hello 4am!

im really really REALLY running out of words.

hi.

i've been meaning to blog about europe, art, my strange battle with my subconscious and all the other crap that's been happening the past few months. i dunno. i just can't seem to sit still for a moment to talk about any of that. things are just, well, happening. or not happening. depends i guess if you're a half full, half empty kind of person.

so ayan i'm writing you a note instead. maybe that'll force me to say something. anything.

i'm finding lately that i am more fucked up than i thought i was. i mean i'm a-okay naman. doing great actually. but there are times when the crazy manifests itself ever so stealthily. this usually happens when the possibility of normalcy is dangled in front of my face. i'm finding that the initial urge is to run the other way as fast as i possibly can. to pack my bags, grab the cats, and board a plane to burkina fucking faso. or hyperventilate. which is really more often than not, the most accessible option.

yes i am being cryptic. oh well. alam mo na yan. but you know what? i'm afraid that no one will ever know me as well as you did. and because of that, nothing will ever feel real. and things will always seem extra petty, fleeting and shallow. like a half baked remake of a classic movie, or a mediocre sequel.

but then again there's The Empire Strikes Back, Before Sunset, Godfather 2, Toy Story 2, LOTR The Two Towers and sabi nila, True Grit. so i don't know.

missing you heaps. at least that part's never gonna change.

Paris, Je t'aime! (Et toi? Tu m'aimes aussi?)

It’s the first time in 8 days that I’ve had time to blog. The rest of the chums are off to Ibiza to attend a wedding and I am left alone here in Paris for the next three days before I catch up to them in Barcelona.

Ergo, muni-muni time.

I’ve been trying to think of what to say about this city the past few days. It’s a daunting task to think of words to describe Paris. It’s not like any other place I’ve been to before. I won’t na wax poetic about its beauty. Paki-google na lang. Yes maganda sya, napaka. Pati mga tao, literally magaganda. There is no way to overhype it. So let’s get that out of the way.

But it also requires hard work. It’s not a city you fall in love with right away. Or rather, it has no interest in wooing you to love it. Paris doesn’t need you. and sometimes it feels like unrequited love. You walk and walk till your blisters have blisters and you eat all the baguettes you can get your hands on and you bonjour and merci and ca va and pardon all day long and it never feels like you’ve come anywhere near knowing it well.

Every city has a rhythm and if you never get it, even just a glimpse, it starts to resemble a relationship leaning one way. Which is fine, really. Some of the greatest stories of love don’t require the object of one’s affection to love the other back. But yes, it’s seems so easy for your heart to break here.

Paris is a man and he’s just not that into you. bwahah.

Maybe it’s all the history. Or the tourists. And the need to compartmentalize the tourist life from the real everyday life. Which makes me so so far away from the very place where I’m sitting now. I think there is no middle ground here. You either consume it, invade it, or be completely consumed and invaded by it. You cannot just watch and see where your place is here. You have to know before coming.

I’m leaving in three days and already I cannot wait to come back here.

hi.

huy! ano na? hmp. eto talaga hindi man lang nagpaparamdam. daan ka naman sa show ko bukas. i'll be there till 9. ano, busy ka? text text?




hmp.

happy birthday baby. hope all is fine and dandy.

Misplaced Gratitude

I am writing this from a dismal hotel room in a huge resort complex where there is not a single cube of ice to be found. a place whose claim to fame is that a bunch of beauty queens pranced around in their bikinis here some time ago. that and several concrete slides that lead to a hot spring pool. I grew up in this town. next door there is debauchery ongoing, which i may have inadvertently enabled.

there are only two things I want so very badly right now but cannot have-- a pen and ice cubes for my vodka. and so i settle for my iPhone and half a pack of hazelnut wafers. writing implement and carbs. pwede na to.

I need to write this down so I'll remember and never forget. because someday when I am old and overcome with loneliness, I may need some reminding, because today I am very very thankful for the weirdest things.

I am thankful for my dad whose pride and sense of entitlement, he passed on to me. this is both a blessing and a curse. more often it's the latter, but not today. my (perhaps) inflated view of self and delusions of grandeur have helped me sooo much in life. standards. you gave me standards.

I am thankful for my mom for teaching me about the 'ways of men.' yes, it may have been her paranoia (which is probably her only flaw as she is perfect in every imaginable way) but still. I am always on my toes because of this.

I am thankful for the men I used to date. I dallied with the best of them. I had a blast, I learned tons. and because we stopped dating, I gained more life long friends. as an added bonus, my girlfriends are happy and in love.

I am thankful that I am single, unmarried without children. I am for the most part, free. I am able to survive my sometimes directionless freelance life that allows me to wander and ponder on life, spend hours upon hours thinking of the human condition, as well as what shoes to buy.

I am thankful that I am an arrogant, lazy, narcissistic, selfish bitch whose main quest in life is to try and be happy with as little effort and pain possible.

today I've decided that I'm conceding to monster's beliefs. okay. um so yeah we need to rethink this whole marriage thing? and while I have always been terrified of it, it's only now that I truly understand the absurdity of its conditions for some people. you see I may have been misled by my parents' almost perfect marriage and my Brady Bunchesque upbringing. so ayun. you right, me wrong.

so if in a few years when I turn 40 or 50 and I'm single and lonely, or I've fallen into the pressures of what is expected of women my age, or flash forward some more to my 70s or 80s, with me sitting in a nursing home alone somewhere while my other friends are surrounded by grandchildren or great grandchildren having weekly family barbecues and shit, I hope I remember this day and this entry. if I don't, please remind me. I have to remember that at some point in my life I felt good about my life decisions. I have to remember that I should never compromise on certain things and that as of press time, I have been so lucky. so damn lucky.

how DSJy got her groove back.

well, hindi pa naman now no. but i'm getting there.

i'm so excited to work on stuff! woohoo!