it's just another day for you and me in paradise. (1 year)

people have a knack for stating the obvious. i don't honestly know what one expects in return for such futility. everyone's just doing what they think should be done, saying what they think should be said. no matter how insultingly pointless.

today was a day like any other.

i wanted to think of it that way, at least. what difference does it make. yesterday, today, tomorrow. last year, last month. ewan. does it really matter.

we remember events through dates. we mark our lives with stupid numbers. it doesn't make a fucking difference to me. really.

so why then do we do it. why do we need those markers. what happens between 12am and 11h59pm today will be no different from yesterday's or tomorrow's 12am to 11h59pm window. there are things you cannot put a demarcation line on. you can't say, this day is going to be more painful than the rest. a day will hurt like a lot of other days. it's just a fucking number.

or maybe it's just me.

maybe some people can tell themselves that this 24 hour period is gonna be bad. but come the minute right after, the sun shines, and all is well in the world. how is that fucking possible?

but still. what is the point, (i.e. if there is one), siguro, to remember? does that mean the rest of the world forgets unless it's marked in a calendar somewhere? what an awful, and more importantly, impossible thought, at least as far as i'm concerned. and if that were the case, then i want no part of it.

the day i forget is the day that deserves a red letter.

i am not making any sense. bukas na lang ulit.

"Ganyan talaga ang buhay."

were the only words you said to me right after Caye died. you may have said more but this gasgas cliche, is all i remember from our short conversation. it was an overseas call and i didn't want to prolong that moment. having to clench my jaw to stop myself from crying. we're not that kind of family. i wouldn't even say we're close. like i said, not that kind of family. too much shit going on, too much history. too little time spent together.

also, you're a marcos loyalist. hehe.

but there was something in the way you said it. so heartfelt. so learned. it was the first time i ever felt the wisdom of your years. and empathy. the kind of empathy you get from someone who has loved and lost and LIVED. it cannot be faked, i think.

i can only wish that i gave you comfort when you needed it. in my own little fucked up, dysfunctional, emotionally inept way. i am eternally thankful i have that one sentence. it means a lot. i keep coming back to it.

you are still online on ym. it is sad, creepy and comforting. all at the same time.

good night uncle. you were a genuine badass.

thick my face. revised housewarming wish list. (kasi close naman tayo)

1. 8x10 frames with matting, black or dark wood finish
2. sturdy paper shredder (can shred photos, or board products. there's a cheap cdr-king version.)
3. pop up toaster
4. lamp for the living room (corner table)
5. plastic (white) or metal boxes, depth should be no more than 13", width no more than 12". set of 3
6. Bright Ideas scented candles, in citronella, swiss alps, or coffee scent. pwede ring mint. basta NO FLORAL SCENTS please.
7. serving bowls, or rice bowls. white
8. a nice table lighter
9. food processor (heeh)
10. slow cooker
11. wine glasses
12. art. ok i'm scared. please don't make your own. unless you're CD. prints, movie and music posters will do.
13. when in doubt, a bag of Starbucks Columbia Narino (beans ha not grounds) or a bottle of Absolut Blue will suffice.
14. also, i accept GC's and cash. nyaha.

tiresome fellow

there is no bed soft enough.
no couch deep enough.
no glass of water cold enough.
no movie good enough.

i'm just very very very tired.

look how they shine for you.

what an emotional week this has been. today is wednesday and we all just buried you. it feels like a saturday. which is to say, as of late, my least favorite day of the week.

saying goodbye feels a lot like a hobby nowadays. it has gotten to the point, where i have actual opinions and better ‘ideas’ on necrological services and tributes for the dead or dying.

ah, bereavement.

i am staring at the photo of me above. it was 1986, on the last day of Edsa, right after the marcoses left. i was 8 and i had the silly grin of someone who has absolutely no idea of how things would turn out 20 something years later. i was just happy to be there, to be part of history. to be part of something so important. it was new and exciting to any 8 year old.

not that things are any clearer to me now.

i can talk about how you changed my life, how you opened my eyes to the world around me, how you shaped my way of thinking, or other life affirming, right-fist-raising, makibaka words. but so many others have said so many wonderful things about their experiences, better than i could ever say it. i could talk about how great you are as a person, etc etc. but i’ve never really met you in the flesh, at least not before you died. i’ve only seen you in person recently, and you were already in a box, and looked nothing like the face i see on tv or in the papers.

so i just want to say a couple of things.

i want to say THANK YOU. i am forever indebted to you. your sacrifice is unimaginable. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. i can never say it enough.

and more importantly, i want to say sorry. i’m sorry that 23 years after EDSA, this is all that i could be. i know that i could’ve been more than this. i could be doing better. at the very least, i could be more useful. it is after all, the least you could expect from me, given what you and your husband had to go through for all of us.

tomorrow i will wake up to a country without a mother. i hope we manage.

that's why god made the movies

wow. i have not written anything pala in over a month. odd...

it's 3am and i just finished washing the dishes (yes, i procrastinate. ooh. news flash.). i wanted some music while doing chores so i played El Ten Eleven. and hmmm. suddenly my life is a movie montage nearing the end of the movie.

oh please. hold the end credits ha. ayoko pa.

what would my life as a movie be about then. a story of a woman overcoming a major tragedy, trying to rebuild her life? finding joy in solitude? accepting fate, destiny, or the aftermath of a stupid plot twist? as part of an ensemble cast of 30somethings dealing with post quarter-life, pre mid-life crisis related issues that may or may not include the following; career crises, death, broken hearts, broken dreams, broken windshield wipers, money and/or the lack thereof, illicit affairs, latent and/or non-latent homosexuality, single parenthood, rotting egg cells, receding hairline, etc (i could go on all day...)?

or losing weight in the 21st century?

ewan. i think i've seen waaaay too many movies in the last two weeks.

housewarming!

if my mom or sister ever finds a priest (ok, it took me a few times to get the word 'priest' spelled right, i actually had to check the dictionary. i must not have typed that word in a loooooooong time haha!), my new place will be blessed soon. so here's a list of things you can give me for the housewarming party, just coordinate with each other if you feel like giving me something para walang ma-doble (nyaha). or as an acquaintance would most likely say, hereforth is an enumeration of doohickeys and thingamabobs that you may perchance proffer to my humble self, should you procure it in your altruistic heart to manufacture the gesticulation.

1. a small toaster. preferably white, and as small as you can find.
2. a table lamp for the corner table in the living room. please exercise taste.
3. floating shelves. white or wood finish.
4. picture frames with white matting, for 8r or 5r photos. black, or wood finish. pwede ring white.
5. wine glasses. although really, who drinks wine among us nowadays?
6. a cambodia fridge magnet. ADI, fuck you.
7. a plasma tv. ok na ako sa 32inch. wahaha.
8. bread knife and/or paring knife. please coordinate with gigi. but sana black.
9. those clear glass airtight jars, korteng square. like the ones in my cupboard.
10. Absolut blue vodka. guys this is also for your own good. and sana one liter bottles para recyclable as water containers.
11. Coffee Beans, Starbucks Columbia Narino. kung wala na talaga kayong maisip.
12. Tumatanggap rin ako ng cash.

time and date, to be announced. note that should you attempt to give me something pink or pastel colored, you will be denied entry.

o, tapos?

yesterday i was vegging out and watching tv and i came across this movie on beatrix potter's life. it wasn't really that good, except i have the hots for ewan mcgregor, who happens to be playing potter's boyfriend, so i kept watching. and of course (spoiler alert if you care, kasi sorry i don't), he dies. to make the long story short, may biglang nakarelate. forgettable grieving-related scenes ensue, and eventually, beatrix buys a farm, against her family's wishes. at some point she talks to her father who still couldn't understand why she would choose to live alone, and so far from home, to which beatrix says, "I have to make my own way." this prompted me to raise my right arm and make a fist.

amen, sister.

anyhoo.

the last few months, i've been finding myself in weird places and situations. like eating breakfast in coquille. walking around bantay srei. sleeping in a room with two toddlers in laguna. reading in someone's (someone i barely know) living room in a condo in tordesillas. a year or two ago, i would've never thought i'd be doing these things in those places, and yet here i am. i have stopped asking why i am where i am. or how i even got there. i just look around and shrug. i think this may be turning out into some sort of a, dare i say it, mini-adventure. so i say go ahead life, take me anywhere you want. because i'm discovering that sometimes, i like the unknown.

and lordy, did i mention the weird people i've come across?

ah but let's save that for another blog, some other day.

on a somewhat related note (don't ask how), you really cannot mask lack of substance with a thesaurus. as in.

bad vibes.

hello world.

wow, haven't blogged in a while. still no internet at my place. i've also been on a major tv binge. since i got back from the states in december, i decided to stop watching tv in the hopes that i'd be a little more productive. i must say that it really worked, that is, until i moved and found my place to have "instant" cable. now i can't stop watching. anything. EVERYTHING. even canada's next top model. at 4 am.

i'm allowing myself a few minutes to indulge my nonsense negative thoughts today. when i'm done with this entry, i'm gonna go back to being grateful for this otherwise great day.

1. i'm so peeved at this place na itago na lang natin sa pangalang "stewed your feet to hate." my prints are all gray and muddy. i think nagmarunong ang technician. either that, or their monitors are not calibrated to their printers. 17 prints. all of them bad. good thing they're all just 5x7.5's. sayang ang lambda loveliness. isa says it's like making a jeepney driver drive a bmw. errrk.

2. we filipinos can be such fucking hypocrites. amazing. suddenly, we're all politically correct, women's rights defenders. tsk tsk tsk-ing the newest sex video on the internet. pointing a finger here and there. ulol. so many of us followed the links and watched excerpts, some of us downloaded the actual video. can we all just please admit that there's a little pervert in all of us? if the good senator saw the video by his lonesome self, wouldn't he have laughed at "sizzling hawt, ooh lalahhh..." anyway? or worse, would he not have jacked off, or found some nubile chick to rub his crotch on to? and hang on, magbilangan na lang kaya tayo ng kabit?! geez. on the news a while ago, they were interviewing tricycle drivers who said they're not gonna watch the video daw kasi kawawa naman daw yung babae. ISANG MALAKING HUWHATEVER SA INYONG LAHAT. what dear sirs, you don't look at porn? you don't throw catcalls at women on the street that show even the littlest skin? you have not harassed a girl with your dirty looks EVER in your life?! don't get me wrong. this is all sick and fucked up but really, such self righteousness is just as bad. specially if you're only doing it to look good in front of the camera. blech. we do not need your kind to defend us with your patronizing words. nakakaburat lang eh. to paraphrase the words of the great janet jackson, my dear be-dicked fellowmen, what have you done for us lately? ooooooh ooh yeah?

3. also, we're so overly defensive of who we are as a nation. it's soooo ew.

4. just because you read my blog doesn't mean you know me. believe me, you have no idea.

5. please do not project your fears and your issues on to me. lalo nang don't send it to me via sms. i don't need bad vibes. i'm really trying to be happy here. why, what would you have me do, regress back to 1998 and stay that way till someone else comes to save me? for me lang, know your boundaries and keep certain thoughts to yourself, specially where "that" is involved. leave me be and stop keeping tab.

6. it's annoying to have to edit oneself. grrr.

ok. angst released. no more na! :)

yay!!!!