Misplaced Gratitude

I am writing this from a dismal hotel room in a huge resort complex where there is not a single cube of ice to be found. a place whose claim to fame is that a bunch of beauty queens pranced around in their bikinis here some time ago. that and several concrete slides that lead to a hot spring pool. I grew up in this town. next door there is debauchery ongoing, which i may have inadvertently enabled.

there are only two things I want so very badly right now but cannot have-- a pen and ice cubes for my vodka. and so i settle for my iPhone and half a pack of hazelnut wafers. writing implement and carbs. pwede na to.

I need to write this down so I'll remember and never forget. because someday when I am old and overcome with loneliness, I may need some reminding, because today I am very very thankful for the weirdest things.

I am thankful for my dad whose pride and sense of entitlement, he passed on to me. this is both a blessing and a curse. more often it's the latter, but not today. my (perhaps) inflated view of self and delusions of grandeur have helped me sooo much in life. standards. you gave me standards.

I am thankful for my mom for teaching me about the 'ways of men.' yes, it may have been her paranoia (which is probably her only flaw as she is perfect in every imaginable way) but still. I am always on my toes because of this.

I am thankful for the men I used to date. I dallied with the best of them. I had a blast, I learned tons. and because we stopped dating, I gained more life long friends. as an added bonus, my girlfriends are happy and in love.

I am thankful that I am single, unmarried without children. I am for the most part, free. I am able to survive my sometimes directionless freelance life that allows me to wander and ponder on life, spend hours upon hours thinking of the human condition, as well as what shoes to buy.

I am thankful that I am an arrogant, lazy, narcissistic, selfish bitch whose main quest in life is to try and be happy with as little effort and pain possible.

today I've decided that I'm conceding to monster's beliefs. okay. um so yeah we need to rethink this whole marriage thing? and while I have always been terrified of it, it's only now that I truly understand the absurdity of its conditions for some people. you see I may have been misled by my parents' almost perfect marriage and my Brady Bunchesque upbringing. so ayun. you right, me wrong.

so if in a few years when I turn 40 or 50 and I'm single and lonely, or I've fallen into the pressures of what is expected of women my age, or flash forward some more to my 70s or 80s, with me sitting in a nursing home alone somewhere while my other friends are surrounded by grandchildren or great grandchildren having weekly family barbecues and shit, I hope I remember this day and this entry. if I don't, please remind me. I have to remember that at some point in my life I felt good about my life decisions. I have to remember that I should never compromise on certain things and that as of press time, I have been so lucky. so damn lucky.