hi.

i've been meaning to blog about europe, art, my strange battle with my subconscious and all the other crap that's been happening the past few months. i dunno. i just can't seem to sit still for a moment to talk about any of that. things are just, well, happening. or not happening. depends i guess if you're a half full, half empty kind of person.

so ayan i'm writing you a note instead. maybe that'll force me to say something. anything.

i'm finding lately that i am more fucked up than i thought i was. i mean i'm a-okay naman. doing great actually. but there are times when the crazy manifests itself ever so stealthily. this usually happens when the possibility of normalcy is dangled in front of my face. i'm finding that the initial urge is to run the other way as fast as i possibly can. to pack my bags, grab the cats, and board a plane to burkina fucking faso. or hyperventilate. which is really more often than not, the most accessible option.

yes i am being cryptic. oh well. alam mo na yan. but you know what? i'm afraid that no one will ever know me as well as you did. and because of that, nothing will ever feel real. and things will always seem extra petty, fleeting and shallow. like a half baked remake of a classic movie, or a mediocre sequel.

but then again there's The Empire Strikes Back, Before Sunset, Godfather 2, Toy Story 2, LOTR The Two Towers and sabi nila, True Grit. so i don't know.

missing you heaps. at least that part's never gonna change.