The Toes Know

hi.

2011-08-12T11:42:00.001+08:00

i've been meaning to blog about europe, art, my strange battle with my subconscious and all the other crap that's been happening the past few months. i dunno. i just can't seem to sit still for a moment to talk about any of that. things are just, well, happening. or not happening. depends i guess if you're a half full, half empty kind of person.

so ayan i'm writing you a note instead. maybe that'll force me to say something. anything.

i'm finding lately that i am more fucked up than i thought i was. i mean i'm a-okay naman. doing great actually. but there are times when the crazy manifests itself ever so stealthily. this usually happens when the possibility of normalcy is dangled in front of my face. i'm finding that the initial urge is to run the other way as fast as i possibly can. to pack my bags, grab the cats, and board a plane to burkina fucking faso. or hyperventilate. which is really more often than not, the most accessible option.

yes i am being cryptic. oh well. alam mo na yan. but you know what? i'm afraid that no one will ever know me as well as you did. and because of that, nothing will ever feel real. and things will always seem extra petty, fleeting and shallow. like a half baked remake of a classic movie, or a mediocre sequel.

but then again there's The Empire Strikes Back, Before Sunset, Godfather 2, Toy Story 2, LOTR The Two Towers and sabi nila, True Grit. so i don't know.

missing you heaps. at least that part's never gonna change.

Paris, Je t'aime! (Et toi? Tu m'aimes aussi?)

2011-05-18T13:29:00.003+08:00

It’s the first time in 8 days that I’ve had time to blog. The rest of the chums are off to Ibiza to attend a wedding and I am left alone here in Paris for the next three days before I catch up to them in Barcelona.

Ergo, muni-muni time.

I’ve been trying to think of what to say about this city the past few days. It’s a daunting task to think of words to describe Paris. It’s not like any other place I’ve been to before. I won’t na wax poetic about its beauty. Paki-google na lang. Yes maganda sya, napaka. Pati mga tao, literally magaganda. There is no way to overhype it. So let’s get that out of the way.

But it also requires hard work. It’s not a city you fall in love with right away. Or rather, it has no interest in wooing you to love it. Paris doesn’t need you. and sometimes it feels like unrequited love. You walk and walk till your blisters have blisters and you eat all the baguettes you can get your hands on and you bonjour and merci and ca va and pardon all day long and it never feels like you’ve come anywhere near knowing it well.

Every city has a rhythm and if you never get it, even just a glimpse, it starts to resemble a relationship leaning one way. Which is fine, really. Some of the greatest stories of love don’t require the object of one’s affection to love the other back. But yes, it’s seems so easy for your heart to break here.

Paris is a man and he’s just not that into you. bwahah.

Maybe it’s all the history. Or the tourists. And the need to compartmentalize the tourist life from the real everyday life. Which makes me so so far away from the very place where I’m sitting now. I think there is no middle ground here. You either consume it, invade it, or be completely consumed and invaded by it. You cannot just watch and see where your place is here. You have to know before coming.

I’m leaving in three days and already I cannot wait to come back here.

hi.

2011-03-23T00:21:00.002+08:00

huy! ano na? hmp. eto talaga hindi man lang nagpaparamdam. daan ka naman sa show ko bukas. i'll be there till 9. ano, busy ka? text text?

hmp.

happy birthday baby. hope all is fine and dandy.

2011-03-17T01:50:00.001+08:00

Misplaced Gratitude

2011-03-16T02:12:00.000+08:00

I am writing this from a dismal hotel room in a huge resort complex where there is not a single cube of ice to be found. a place whose claim to fame is that a bunch of beauty queens pranced around in their bikinis here some time ago. that and several concrete slides that lead to a hot spring pool. I grew up in this town. next door there is debauchery ongoing, which i may have inadvertently enabled.

there are only two things I want so very badly right now but cannot have-- a pen and ice cubes for my vodka. and so i settle for my iPhone and half a pack of hazelnut wafers. writing implement and carbs. pwede na to.

I need to write this down so I'll remember and never forget. because someday when I am old and overcome with loneliness, I may need some reminding, because today I am very very thankful for the weirdest things.

I am thankful for my dad whose pride and sense of entitlement, he passed on to me. this is both a blessing and a curse. more often it's the latter, but not today. my (perhaps) inflated view of self and delusions of grandeur have helped me sooo much in life. standards. you gave me standards.

I am thankful for my mom for teaching me about the 'ways of men.' yes, it may have been her paranoia (which is probably her only flaw as she is perfect in every imaginable way) but still. I am always on my toes because of this.

I am thankful for the men I used to date. I dallied with the best of them. I had a blast, I learned tons. and because we stopped dating, I gained more life long friends. as an added bonus, my girlfriends are happy and in love.

I am thankful that I am single, unmarried without children. I am for the most part, free. I am able to survive my sometimes directionless freelance life that allows me to wander and ponder on life, spend hours upon hours thinking of the human condition, as well as what shoes to buy.

I am thankful that I am an arrogant, lazy, narcissistic, selfish bitch whose main quest in life is to try and be happy with as little effort and pain possible.

today I've decided that I'm conceding to monster's beliefs. okay. um so yeah we need to rethink this whole marriage thing? and while I have always been terrified of it, it's only now that I truly understand the absurdity of its conditions for some people. you see I may have been misled by my parents' almost perfect marriage and my Brady Bunchesque upbringing. so ayun. you right, me wrong.

so if in a few years when I turn 40 or 50 and I'm single and lonely, or I've fallen into the pressures of what is expected of women my age, or flash forward some more to my 70s or 80s, with me sitting in a nursing home alone somewhere while my other friends are surrounded by grandchildren or great grandchildren having weekly family barbecues and shit, I hope I remember this day and this entry. if I don't, please remind me. I have to remember that at some point in my life I felt good about my life decisions. I have to remember that I should never compromise on certain things and that as of press time, I have been so lucky. so damn lucky.

how DSJy got her groove back.

2011-02-19T14:57:00.002+08:00

well, hindi pa naman now no. but i'm getting there.

i'm so excited to work on stuff! woohoo!

Good Morning Self Loathing

2011-01-09T14:19:00.002+08:00

when i was a child i was sure i'd grow up to be this graceful, confident person. i thought i'd go through life knowing what to do all the time. that i'd walk around parties in my stilettos with a drink in one hand, a cigarette in another, exchanging witticisms with a bunch of uber smart and well-dressed people. i thought i'd grow up to be, well, grown up. never in my wildest dreams did i think i'd end up being a blundering idiot.

gliding. that's the word i'm looking for.
i thought i would glide through life with a sassy score playing in the background.

instead i got me.

it wouldn't be so bad if i weren't so hard on me, really. i guess that's it. sassy confident people make as much mistakes as i do, maybe even more. but they don't really feel the urge to jump from a building in the face of a blunder.

and why is it always about me anyway.

ugh. i am sooooo over (yes) ME.

Lizstomania. Or more accurately, Listomania.

2011-01-02T03:03:00.002+08:00

because i'm waiting for the sleeping pill to kick in. plus it's fun to make stupid lists in january! lists below appear in no particular order;

Top 5 Major Achievements In 2010

1. 2 solo shows, motherfuckers.

2. 2 full length films

3. 3 out of the country trips plus, batanes!

4. a little bit of actual, genuine christmas spirit. many thanks to gary v. circa 80's.

5. A NEW CAR! (cut to Price Is Right contestant freaking out after reveal, fade up and under: tintintiniiiin tintintiniiiiiin....)

Top 5 Seemingly Benign Achievements Pero In Truth Not Really Because Much Back Story There For 2010:

1. saw an endocrinologist and got a blood test again. yes, two years too late.

2. made a bottle of chili-infused extra virgin olive oil.

3. listened, danced and/or jogged to Stevie Wonder (early years ha, or greatest hits album) and
Postal Service.

4. made a lot of martinis. a lot of good ones too.

5. got a tiny tattoo and have been sufficiently mocked for it by people who don't know stuff (which is not necessarily a bad thing ha)

more lists tomorrow! (a.k.a. something to do to in a family reunion)

hopeful bangs.

2010-12-31T23:49:00.003+08:00

a few more minutes before the new year! i have to say that new year is my favorite holiday. everyone walks around carrying hope in their bangs. i love it.

the universe is amazing. also freaky sometimes. but i love it.

i was reading all my 2010 status updates on fb earlier, since i’ve been microblogging more nowadays, than writing here. and, i think it was a good year. i am brimming with merci beaucoup all over. and since i’m no longer used to blogging long entries, i’m going to write in bullets. also, my parents are watching tv and it’s so damn noisy i can’t concentrate.

i am thankful for ART! i had two shows this year, and my second one was at Silverlens! which is something i’ve been drooling for. i’ve met a lot of artists this year, and i’ve seen more art this year than i have in all my years on this earth combined. i even got to go singapore. it was a wonderful choice for my WFTY. galing. i wish to keep going, and i wish to deserve more what i’ve been given.

i am thankful for new friends! couldn’t have done a lot of the stuff i did without cd, or laughed through the dark emo moments without raya, or just your basic drinks with the interesting people i’ve been meeting and spending time with. even my virtual friends on twitter and fb!

i am thankful for old friends, who are practically family, and that i’m surrounded by smart, kind, and talented people who work hard. i can only hope that their awesomeness rubs off on me. plus, i have the best neighbors on earth (and i don’t mean the peeps from unit 103 who like to cook stinky fish).

i am thankful that my family is healthy. sana forever!

i am thankful that i got a lot of work. i love my job! it’s the most fun job ever. i can do it all day, everyday, and it never feels like work.

and i am thankful for travel. such a lifesaver sometimes.

so here we go. 2011!

i want everything next year. EVERYTHING. i know that's ridiculous, pero so what. but because of so many starts and stops in 2010, some stuff ending before it even began. some my fault some not, and how i realize i’m the master of self sabotage and i want to be more aware of that next year, more than anything i want forward movement. so here’s my word for the year...

MOMENTUM.

ok. will blog more about it later. right now, it's time to whip out my gold skirt and par-taaay!

hi. (2 years tomorrow)

2010-09-27T16:33:00.002+08:00

I have to be honest. I’m not sure if my brain can grasp an afterlife. I mean, I can’t for the life of me fathom how you can still be around somewhere. You as Caye. Maybe if you were like some ball of energy floating around, sure. But you, with all your memories, and your experiences, I really don’t know. Sometimes I believe it, because I want to, because I want to think that we will see each other again someday. And it will be one of those grand cinematic reunions and I will feel every painful thing I’ve had to go through disappear. I will truly feel that everything will be okay. Not that I don’t tell myself that. I truly believe that everything will be okay. But again, my brain cannot fathom how that’s gonna happen. I hope for it to be so, I just don’t know how it will be so. I always pray that that is enough though.

But if you are there, as you, looking like the same guy with stubby hands and toes, with incredibly healthy hair, and well, do souls get sweaty pa ba? I hope not. Anyhoo. I just want to say sorry. I have been incredibly selfish. I cannot seem to commemorate you without thinking of my pain. It seems you are attached to it and I don’t know if that will ever change. I am curious of other bereaved people who are able to organize parties, dinners, masses, prayer vigils, create scored slideshows of your photos, etc. I do not know how to be like that. I wish to be like that sometimes. Because it seems like the right thing to do. The normal, healthy thing to do. Not the drinking, the irrational shopping and spending, the compulsive traveling, the cracking of inappropriate dead fiance jokes, the moping, the misplaced anger, the adoption of stray cats, and whatever else stupid thing i choose to do.

My point is, I am a rotten, rotten person because every time I think of you, I think of me. I suppose that’s not exactly irrational, since there is, in actuality, no more you. But still. It does not feel right. Selfish nga. But you see, I was never worried for you. In my head, you will always be better off than us, the people you left behind. Whether or not there’s an afterlife. You’re either in heaven or already part of some sort of collective consciousness, or you’ve just ceased to exist completely. Either way, you are better off.

But again, I am a rotten, rotten person. Because somewhere in the world tomorrow, there are people gathering in your honor. They will be eating or drinking somewhere talking about you, remembering you. I am guilty because I don’t really want to do this. I want to keep my memories to myself. And I don’t seem to feel the need to hear how other people remember you or how they knew you. It doesn’t seem like we knew the same you. Their Caye is not my Caye. Their Caye is not mine.

Oh but there are so many thoughts running in my head. And even if I’m a rotten rotten person, you are constantly occupying my brain. So many memories. So many things about you (about us) only I know. And because I am selfish, I would like to keep it that way. No fucking way I’m sharing. They are mine. All. Mine. (insert devilish laughter here)

So there. I’m sorry. I don’t know how else to be right now but selfish. That is that. I hope that I am not a disappointment to you. If you really do still exist. I mean, I sometimes catch myself thinking, holy fuck can you actually see me picking my nose right now and are you thinking, and i wanted to marry this woman, err, this woman-child???

So tomorrow I’ll be around town, doing my own thing, acting like ooh, what a ho-hum day. Maybe I’ll get a tat, because you always wanted and never got around to getting one. I’ll drop by your crypt because it’s what bereaved people do. Squeeze in some errands, work a little, maybe jog. I’ll skip the flowers. The last time I tried to get you flowers, I almost killed two friends and wrecked the car.

Maybe next year I won’t be so selfish.

...

2010-08-22T01:29:00.003+08:00

i'm having a raya moment.
ergo,
you're all full of crap.
and so am i.

YOOOOHOOOOO!!!

2010-07-09T10:40:00.002+08:00

i have a new show!

july 7-24 at Silverlens gallery! please please check it out!

Art Garfunkel.

2010-06-09T20:01:00.002+08:00

I’ve been trying to read more stuff about art lately. Okay. I have to admit, I feel just a teensy little bit of pressure to sound smarter nowadays, in the event I’d have to talk to someone super smart about my work. Knowing me though, if I sense even a little, that such a conversation is about to ensue, I’d probably finally dispel my personal belief of the oxymoron that is ‘fun run.’

As in, baboo.

Maybe I’m just new to all this, or I’m just not smart enough. But is it just me or do people use way too many big words to explain a picture, or a painting or whatever strange thing we choose to call art nowadays? Sometimes it’s mind blowing, and life changing, and heartbreaking, and uplifting. But sometimes it also feels so removed from reality that I just want to find the person who makes/writes such things and shake them back to my world of mammoth meralco bills and grocery lists and freon constantly leaking from my car aircon.

I love looking at a good photograph. I really do. Can’t it just be about that more often?

hi.

2010-05-08T13:10:00.002+08:00

your blog is gone. your watch stopped working. what the hell's happening?

you know what's a little weird? planning a wedding, an art exhibition opening, and a wake, feels a lot similar. it's kind of funny, in a tragic sort of way.

haay. i want to not be bereaved na. how's that. it feels like a substance that's already mixed into my bloodstream and i can't even dialysis it out of me. like i'm tainted with some sort of bereavement toxin that's making everything in my body function just a tad bit slower, heavier than usual. hindi naman excruciating pain, more of general heaviness lang. and there are days when it even feels tangible. the contaminated blood feels thicker as it passes through my chest.

okay, obvious bang i'm marathoning House MD episodes?

so what is my point. the fuck if i know. what i do know, is yesterday was one of the biggest nights of my life. i am happy and grateful and excited and scared and everything else in between.

today though, i'm missing you. heaps.

YOOHOOO!

2010-04-23T18:30:00.004+08:00

please come to my first exhibit, It All Goes Slo-Mo. at Outerspace Gallery, The Collective, 7274 Malugay St., San Antonio Village, Makati City. May 7-22.

(opening reception's on May 7, 8pm)

and i am trav'ling, trav'ling trav'ling...

2010-04-04T05:13:00.003+08:00

right now i feel like i'm spiraling into something i don't know what.

it might just be the sleep equivalent of magic hour, or i'm actually on my way to being nuts.

hindi naman siguro.

hi.

2010-03-23T04:16:00.001+08:00

happy birthday.
where you at?

hi.

2010-01-28T13:43:00.002+08:00

in the absence of you, i have turned into my own little version of you. not exactly you, but something resembling you, only well, maybe a little less pleasant (okay maybe a lot less pleasant). kind of like a lackluster movie adaptation of a good book. this may be what the bookworms talk about when they talk about, say, The Hours? not that i’ve read it, pero wala lang, siguro.

i have lost whatever little concentration i had, and am now unable to complete tasks without being easily distracted by stupid things. i take frequent trips to the hardware store, which isn’t really out of character, except it now takes me an unhealthy length of time to decide on which HDMI cable, or towel rack to buy, when i know they’re pretty much all the same. and the organizing. my god the organizing. it’s becoming an obsession.

i even bought a new cocktail shaker, and am now making it my personal mission to mix the perfect martini. i now feel bad for not taking my martini glasses from forbeswood. i didn’t realize how hard it is to find nice long, sexy looking martini glasses. it seemed like a terrible idea at that time to bring it with me. and now i’ve gone around the mall numerous times, and have spent approximately 8 hours total, trying to find THE perfect martini glasses.

you must be snickering since i've taken to passing EDSA a lot. i concede. i was wrong, you were right. most of the time, it is faster. and when i had my dad's car for a month, i passed through sanlo unnecessarily. just because, well, i can.

for a while, i even thought i was starting to smell like you. and then i realized i was just eating too much meat.

aaaand i’m buying an iphone. which would be one of my great regrets, as stupid as it may sound. that i didn’t get you an iphone for your last christmas. i wanted to wait. for a better, more improved model, one that was not so ridiculously priced, and perhaps one that could forward messages (hah). so i gave you an ipod, which you were too kind to be disappointed with.

now if i could only be as kind as you then maybe i wouldn‘t still be missing you as much.

Mudra!!!

2010-01-19T02:32:00.002+08:00

i do not write about her as much i should.
but i have never met anyone as loving and nurturing, with such silent strength, humility and grace.

if more mothers were like mine, the world would be a much better place.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY!

RESTART.

2009-12-31T21:58:00.002+08:00

i haven't written here in a while. i guess i was getting sick of my own shit, i couldn't see the point of writing it down. i have long been treading the thin line between being self aware and self absorbed.

there are good days and bad days and there are days when i literally feel like drowning.

BUT. it is not this day.

today, we paaaar-teh!!!

i love LOVE LOOOOOVE new beginnings. and new year's eve gives me the feeling of a restart, and dayum! don't we all need one??? a lot of people are saying how bad and cruel 2k9 has been. i honestly can't say anymore when a year is good or bad, all i know is that it's over, THAHAANK YOUUUU, and i'm soooo ready for the next one!

it wasn't hard to choose my word for 2010. i'm rehashing an old one. i think it's the right time for it. let's do this universe. this is what this year is gonna be about. i'm gonna need a little help, but i want this and i want it bad.

ART.

here we go.

it's just another day for you and me in paradise. (1 year)

2009-09-29T00:48:00.003+08:00

people have a knack for stating the obvious. i don't honestly know what one expects in return for such futility. everyone's just doing what they think should be done, saying what they think should be said. no matter how insultingly pointless.

today was a day like any other.

i wanted to think of it that way, at least. what difference does it make. yesterday, today, tomorrow. last year, last month. ewan. does it really matter.

we remember events through dates. we mark our lives with stupid numbers. it doesn't make a fucking difference to me. really.

so why then do we do it. why do we need those markers. what happens between 12am and 11h59pm today will be no different from yesterday's or tomorrow's 12am to 11h59pm window. there are things you cannot put a demarcation line on. you can't say, this day is going to be more painful than the rest. a day will hurt like a lot of other days. it's just a fucking number.

or maybe it's just me.

maybe some people can tell themselves that this 24 hour period is gonna be bad. but come the minute right after, the sun shines, and all is well in the world. how is that fucking possible?

but still. what is the point, (i.e. if there is one), siguro, to remember? does that mean the rest of the world forgets unless it's marked in a calendar somewhere? what an awful, and more importantly, impossible thought, at least as far as i'm concerned. and if that were the case, then i want no part of it.

the day i forget is the day that deserves a red letter.

i am not making any sense. bukas na lang ulit.

"Ganyan talaga ang buhay."

2009-09-18T20:29:00.007+08:00

were the only words you said to me right after Caye died. you may have said more but this gasgas cliche, is all i remember from our short conversation. it was an overseas call and i didn't want to prolong that moment. having to clench my jaw to stop myself from crying. we're not that kind of family. i wouldn't even say we're close. like i said, not that kind of family. too much shit going on, too much history. too little time spent together.

also, you're a marcos loyalist. hehe.

but there was something in the way you said it. so heartfelt. so learned. it was the first time i ever felt the wisdom of your years. and empathy. the kind of empathy you get from someone who has loved and lost and LIVED. it cannot be faked, i think.

i can only wish that i gave you comfort when you needed it. in my own little fucked up, dysfunctional, emotionally inept way. i am eternally thankful i have that one sentence. it means a lot. i keep coming back to it.

you are still online on ym. it is sad, creepy and comforting. all at the same time.

good night uncle. you were a genuine badass.

thick my face. revised housewarming wish list. (kasi close naman tayo)

2009-09-18T10:02:00.001+08:00

1. 8x10 frames with matting, black or dark wood finish
2. sturdy paper shredder (can shred photos, or board products. there's a cheap cdr-king version.)
3. pop up toaster
4. lamp for the living room (corner table)
5. plastic (white) or metal boxes, depth should be no more than 13", width no more than 12". set of 3
6. Bright Ideas scented candles, in citronella, swiss alps, or coffee scent. pwede ring mint. basta NO FLORAL SCENTS please.
7. serving bowls, or rice bowls. white
8. a nice table lighter
9. food processor (heeh)
10. slow cooker
11. wine glasses
12. art. ok i'm scared. please don't make your own. unless you're CD. prints, movie and music posters will do.
13. when in doubt, a bag of Starbucks Columbia Narino (beans ha not grounds) or a bottle of Absolut Blue will suffice.
14. also, i accept GC's and cash. nyaha.

tiresome fellow

2009-08-23T03:11:00.002+08:00

there is no bed soft enough.
no couch deep enough.
no glass of water cold enough.
no movie good enough.

i'm just very very very tired.

look how they shine for you.

2009-08-05T23:59:00.000+08:00

what an emotional week this has been. today is wednesday and we all just buried you. it feels like a saturday. which is to say, as of late, my least favorite day of the week.

saying goodbye feels a lot like a hobby nowadays. it has gotten to the point, where i have actual opinions and better ‘ideas’ on necrological services and tributes for the dead or dying.

ah, bereavement.

i am staring at the photo of me above. it was 1986, on the last day of Edsa, right after the marcoses left. i was 8 and i had the silly grin of someone who has absolutely no idea of how things would turn out 20 something years later. i was just happy to be there, to be part of history. to be part of something so important. it was new and exciting to any 8 year old.

not that things are any clearer to me now.

i can talk about how you changed my life, how you opened my eyes to the world around me, how you shaped my way of thinking, or other life affirming, right-fist-raising, makibaka words. but so many others have said so many wonderful things about their experiences, better than i could ever say it. i could talk about how great you are as a person, etc etc. but i’ve never really met you in the flesh, at least not before you died. i’ve only seen you in person recently, and you were already in a box, and looked nothing like the face i see on tv or in the papers.

so i just want to say a couple of things.

i want to say THANK YOU. i am forever indebted to you. your sacrifice is unimaginable. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. i can never say it enough.

and more importantly, i want to say sorry. i’m sorry that 23 years after EDSA, this is all that i could be. i know that i could’ve been more than this. i could be doing better. at the very least, i could be more useful. it is after all, the least you could expect from me, given what you and your husband had to go through for all of us.

tomorrow i will wake up to a country without a mother. i hope we manage.

that's why god made the movies

2009-07-30T03:10:00.002+08:00

wow. i have not written anything pala in over a month. odd...

it's 3am and i just finished washing the dishes (yes, i procrastinate. ooh. news flash.). i wanted some music while doing chores so i played El Ten Eleven. and hmmm. suddenly my life is a movie montage nearing the end of the movie.

oh please. hold the end credits ha. ayoko pa.

what would my life as a movie be about then. a story of a woman overcoming a major tragedy, trying to rebuild her life? finding joy in solitude? accepting fate, destiny, or the aftermath of a stupid plot twist? as part of an ensemble cast of 30somethings dealing with post quarter-life, pre mid-life crisis related issues that may or may not include the following; career crises, death, broken hearts, broken dreams, broken windshield wipers, money and/or the lack thereof, illicit affairs, latent and/or non-latent homosexuality, single parenthood, rotting egg cells, receding hairline, etc (i could go on all day...)?

or losing weight in the 21st century?

ewan. i think i've seen waaaay too many movies in the last two weeks.

housewarming!

2009-06-17T13:56:00.002+08:00

if my mom or sister ever finds a priest (ok, it took me a few times to get the word 'priest' spelled right, i actually had to check the dictionary. i must not have typed that word in a loooooooong time haha!), my new place will be blessed soon. so here's a list of things you can give me for the housewarming party, just coordinate with each other if you feel like giving me something para walang ma-doble (nyaha). or as an acquaintance would most likely say, hereforth is an enumeration of doohickeys and thingamabobs that you may perchance proffer to my humble self, should you procure it in your altruistic heart to manufacture the gesticulation.

1. a small toaster. preferably white, and as small as you can find.
2. a table lamp for the corner table in the living room. please exercise taste.
3. floating shelves. white or wood finish.
4. picture frames with white matting, for 8r or 5r photos. black, or wood finish. pwede ring white.
5. wine glasses. although really, who drinks wine among us nowadays?
6. a cambodia fridge magnet. ADI, fuck you.
7. a plasma tv. ok na ako sa 32inch. wahaha.
8. bread knife and/or paring knife. please coordinate with gigi. but sana black.
9. those clear glass airtight jars, korteng square. like the ones in my cupboard.
10. Absolut blue vodka. guys this is also for your own good. and sana one liter bottles para recyclable as water containers.
11. Coffee Beans, Starbucks Columbia Narino. kung wala na talaga kayong maisip.
12. Tumatanggap rin ako ng cash.

time and date, to be announced. note that should you attempt to give me something pink or pastel colored, you will be denied entry.

o, tapos?

2009-06-17T12:41:00.004+08:00

yesterday i was vegging out and watching tv and i came across this movie on beatrix potter's life. it wasn't really that good, except i have the hots for ewan mcgregor, who happens to be playing potter's boyfriend, so i kept watching. and of course (spoiler alert if you care, kasi sorry i don't), he dies. to make the long story short, may biglang nakarelate. forgettable grieving-related scenes ensue, and eventually, beatrix buys a farm, against her family's wishes. at some point she talks to her father who still couldn't understand why she would choose to live alone, and so far from home, to which beatrix says, "I have to make my own way." this prompted me to raise my right arm and make a fist.

amen, sister.

anyhoo.

the last few months, i've been finding myself in weird places and situations. like eating breakfast in coquille. walking around bantay srei. sleeping in a room with two toddlers in laguna. reading in someone's (someone i barely know) living room in a condo in tordesillas. a year or two ago, i would've never thought i'd be doing these things in those places, and yet here i am. i have stopped asking why i am where i am. or how i even got there. i just look around and shrug. i think this may be turning out into some sort of a, dare i say it, mini-adventure. so i say go ahead life, take me anywhere you want. because i'm discovering that sometimes, i like the unknown.

and lordy, did i mention the weird people i've come across?

ah but let's save that for another blog, some other day.

on a somewhat related note (don't ask how), you really cannot mask lack of substance with a thesaurus. as in.

bad vibes.

2009-05-21T20:06:00.003+08:00

hello world.

wow, haven't blogged in a while. still no internet at my place. i've also been on a major tv binge. since i got back from the states in december, i decided to stop watching tv in the hopes that i'd be a little more productive. i must say that it really worked, that is, until i moved and found my place to have "instant" cable. now i can't stop watching. anything. EVERYTHING. even canada's next top model. at 4 am.

i'm allowing myself a few minutes to indulge my nonsense negative thoughts today. when i'm done with this entry, i'm gonna go back to being grateful for this otherwise great day.

1. i'm so peeved at this place na itago na lang natin sa pangalang "stewed your feet to hate." my prints are all gray and muddy. i think nagmarunong ang technician. either that, or their monitors are not calibrated to their printers. 17 prints. all of them bad. good thing they're all just 5x7.5's. sayang ang lambda loveliness. isa says it's like making a jeepney driver drive a bmw. errrk.

2. we filipinos can be such fucking hypocrites. amazing. suddenly, we're all politically correct, women's rights defenders. tsk tsk tsk-ing the newest sex video on the internet. pointing a finger here and there. ulol. so many of us followed the links and watched excerpts, some of us downloaded the actual video. can we all just please admit that there's a little pervert in all of us? if the good senator saw the video by his lonesome self, wouldn't he have laughed at "sizzling hawt, ooh lalahhh..." anyway? or worse, would he not have jacked off, or found some nubile chick to rub his crotch on to? and hang on, magbilangan na lang kaya tayo ng kabit?! geez. on the news a while ago, they were interviewing tricycle drivers who said they're not gonna watch the video daw kasi kawawa naman daw yung babae. ISANG MALAKING HUWHATEVER SA INYONG LAHAT. what dear sirs, you don't look at porn? you don't throw catcalls at women on the street that show even the littlest skin? you have not harassed a girl with your dirty looks EVER in your life?! don't get me wrong. this is all sick and fucked up but really, such self righteousness is just as bad. specially if you're only doing it to look good in front of the camera. blech. we do not need your kind to defend us with your patronizing words. nakakaburat lang eh. to paraphrase the words of the great janet jackson, my dear be-dicked fellowmen, what have you done for us lately? ooooooh ooh yeah?

3. also, we're so overly defensive of who we are as a nation. it's soooo ew.

4. just because you read my blog doesn't mean you know me. believe me, you have no idea.

5. please do not project your fears and your issues on to me. lalo nang don't send it to me via sms. i don't need bad vibes. i'm really trying to be happy here. why, what would you have me do, regress back to 1998 and stay that way till someone else comes to save me? for me lang, know your boundaries and keep certain thoughts to yourself, specially where "that" is involved. leave me be and stop keeping tab.

6. it's annoying to have to edit oneself. grrr.

ok. angst released. no more na! :)

yay!!!!

wala pa kasing meralco bill...

2009-05-04T12:44:00.002+08:00

"When you approach something to photograph it, first be still with yourself until the object of your attention affirms your presence. Then don't leave until you have captured its essence."
-Minor White

amen to that.

in other news. i'm almost done with the house. just three (or four) more pieces of furniture to buy, a little more organizing here and there, some lamps, wall decorating, and i'm all set. it's livable na, and quite comfy and homey, i must say.

it's far from the fire engine red walls, black cupboards and plates of 719. i have embraced my inner neutrals.

stuck inside these four walls

2009-04-21T02:12:00.003+08:00

parents playing guitar hero.
always amusing.

(until you realize they've played Hotel California 8 times in one night)

life in general would be more fun if it were scored.

2009-04-21T01:37:00.002+08:00

is it still called nesting if you're at it alone?
deja vu, except in more pleasant circumstances.
painting walls is dangerously meditative.
it's also a good workout.

miyagi-san, is that you?

and what is the point of obsessing for hours looking for the perfect curtain?
i don't know. but i'm sure there is and i will find out soon enough.
swear.

if i ever become president of the philippines, i will ban high gloss paint.
also, i would like to someday be an endorser of Ace Hardware paints.

i'm always hungry.

i think,
i should write a book.
How To Blow Your Life Savings In One Year Or Less.
or simply,
How To Blow.
nyaha.

pwede ring,
Zen And The Art Of Procrastination.
or
101 Ways To Distract Yourself From Your Life Goals.
i could go on all day.

haay.
i'm still ridiculously scared of cockroaches.

six months

2009-03-29T04:08:00.001+08:00

mario says i need to find the jaguar shark.
i'd have to agree.

eto lang ang gusto kong ireact sa lahat.

2009-03-25T01:36:00.000+08:00

hi.

2009-03-24T02:35:00.002+08:00

happy birthday. wherever you may be. i hope you are happy and content and at peace.
if you are in any way sad, don't be.
we will be fine.
people think you saved my (and mons and oi's) life today (yesterday na pala by now), so if you did, thank you.
i'm sorry if i wasn't in a celebratory mood. i promise i will be someday.
we'll have another one of those one-way 'conversations' in a bit.
i have tons to tell you. tons.

laytah.

sysiphus

2009-03-23T05:18:00.002+08:00

just came home from totalling my dad's car. was on my way to manila to buy flowers for the crypt when a speeding jeep hit us at an intersection. the car flew and turned around mid air and it finally landed on my side. my window was shattered, the windshield cracked, the car's dented all over, with all sorts of fluids leaking out. strangers had to pull me, monster and mario out through the doors on the other side. mario may have banged his left shoulder since he was sitting in the back where there were no seatbelts. otherwise, we're okay. i didn't get hurt, not even a scratch. which may really be something short of a miracle, since we really fell on my side and it's all banged up.

i dunno. i'm a little confused. i'm not sure what to make of it. i am thankful for being okay, but right now, as monster put it, it doesn't seem to feel like one of those life affirming moments you'd expect it to be.

my life seems to be turning into a movie. and i'm hoping it has a happy ending somewhere.

i guess it just feels weird. i feel like i'm fucking something up all the time. fine, this accident may not be my fault, but i just seem to be such a screw up talaga. in general. i wonder if old people still feel like this. right now, oddly enough, i feel like i'm doing something wrong and i just don't know how to correct it. will the feeling of second guessing yourself and what you will screw up next ever go away with age? when i turn 40 or 50, will i feel more sure of certain things or will it always be like this?

i'm feeling a little sysiphus-y right now. i keep trying to climb up but that damn rock just keeps knocking me back down. and i always feel like staying in my room to never ever come out again. just let the world pass me by. pero di ko rin naman kaya. so pano na.

i would love to be all whoopee-i'm-just-glad-to-be-alive but right now, hindi talaga eh. as in. i don't know. maybe tomorrow. maybe.

(ok wait, for the record, god/universe, THANK YOU. thankful pa rin ako ha.)

it's caye's birthday today. please say a prayer. or something.

(but maybe skip driving to manila to buy flowers)

turn off the lights now.

2009-03-20T11:15:00.005+08:00

there's a lot to blog about but i haven't had the time to sit and reflect the last few days. so just an update on what i've been up to, and will be up to in the next few days. every single one deserves its own blog entry, which i will get to as soon as the dust settles.

1. just came from a dizzying 6 day vietnam and cambodia trip. jusko. napakaganda.
2. i may have found a new home (still crossing my fingers though)! will be moving on april 1 if all goes well. i'm anticipating a lot of crazy, soap opera-worthy moments in hardware and furniture stores in the coming weeks. BAHALA NA.
3. going to hk to watch coldplay next week!
4. must. find. momentum. to. shoot. i'll be cramming for my project soon. vacation's getting in the way though...
5. need to organize my portfolio and incorporate na talaga. this'll all happen hopefully when i've moved.
6. someone's birthday is coming up. we'll see how that goes...

i'm giving myself a date when i start REALLY fixing my life.
i'm filled with gratitude talaga. much! cam on, merci, ar kun, salamat.
i'm also missing siem reap. i can't wait to go back. in the meantime, to tide me over, let's look at my favorite temple there, Banteay Srei.

ito na ang huling el bimbo.

2009-03-08T14:12:00.004+08:00

(mush alert)

i am still reeling from last night's concert. which was (and shamefully so) my first, and last time to see the eheads live.

it was bittersweet. to hear your youth played like that and to share it with 100,000 people. i'm guessing a lot of us are in our thirties by now and are COMPLETELY different from the people we were when we heard those songs for the first time, and also in a way exactly the same. ang labo ko don.

i'm getting flashbacks of a hazy memory of me in high school with my high school best friend at her house one saturday afternoon (or was it after school on a weekday, i forget) poring over one of those el cheapo songhits, my best friend trying to play Pare Ko on the guitar (or was it Toyang, again i forget). i must've been what, 13 or 14?

fuck people, we're ancient.

it's 3pm in the afternoon on a sunday and all i want right now is a vodka double on the rocks.

not that any of you will ever read my blog, but right now i am compelled to say THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. for overcoming whatever shit you guys have between you for one night. for playing for more or less 3 hours. for looking like, at least for a few minutes, you actually enjoyed playing together. for making it through the night without ely needing another open heart surgery. for dressing up for the part. for playing even the stupid songs. for giving a shout out to francis m. for saying a proper goodbye. for writing all of that kick ass music.

because my life as a movie is better with your songs in the soundtrack.

I. Love. You. To. Bits.

now excuse me while i go and listen to Pupil...

hi.

2009-03-03T12:14:00.002+08:00

setting aside the requisite i-miss-you's, where-are-you-now's, my-life-was-turned-upside-down's, and whatever words of sentimental shit i write to you every now and then here, i just want to ask you this.
did you really have to make me give up my apartment?! i swear! i had the best deal in the city. THE BEST. have you any idea how hard it is to find a nice, decent, big and CHEAP apartment in makati?! don't you know how infuriating it is to talk to incompetent brokers? have you no inkling of how many landlords and ladies have a thing for pearlized and/or floral wallpaper, pink marble tiles and cheaply varnished mouldings?
hay. YOU EXHAUST ME!!! grrrr.

5 months.

2009-02-28T23:29:00.002+08:00

wow. there's really nothing to say right this very minute. absolutely nothing.

salamat.

2009-02-24T01:49:00.004+08:00

for dangwa.
for Twirlie and Bliss.
for the 5 minute stretch driving while bobbing my head to Goodbye Mr A.

it's oh so still...

2009-02-19T19:20:00.004+08:00

maybe only for today.

today i'm feeling like i have no more faith left in myself or the rest of humanity t0 even try. there's a slight possibility that i no longer have what it takes. so, today, and maybe only just today, i was thinking. as long as i have internet, food, books, music, and the occasional gwht4, ganito na lang siguro ang life ko. ika nga ni emily saliers, a kind of conscientious objection. a kind of dodging the draft.

parang ang sarap mamundok.

anger breaker

2009-02-15T15:46:00.002+08:00

i didn't want my last post to be that very angry one so i'm posting this video sent to me by a friend.

The Girl With The Weight Of The World In Her Hands

2009-02-14T03:34:00.002+08:00

i came home this morning at 3 am looking for a fight.

i realize now that it would’ve been pointless to argue and reason out to someone with a mind as delusional and malicious as yours.

you are as crazy as crazy gets. this of course, is old news.

i am no saint and there are a lot of things i have done in my life that i am not proud of. this one my dear, and unfortunately for you, is not one of them. there is nothing more infuriating than knowing how your delusions, your paranoia, your insecurities, are tainting the memory of this person that i love with every fiber of my being. i am not allowing you to do this anymore. this one i can defend him for until my dying day. whatever happens in that nasty, pretty, little, fucked up head of yours is now your problem.

there are people you really just have to give up on.

JUUUUUSKO.

2009-02-07T19:35:00.000+08:00

it's oh so quiet.

2009-02-07T02:07:00.003+08:00

sometimes there are moments, when you're walking to your car alone at 2 in the morning, in a seedy part of town, half drunk/half numb, and a freight train passes by, and 2 cabs patiently stop and wait, and you forget just for 5 seconds how hard it is to stay afloat, to survive here, and you let yourself think, wow, in fairness, i love this city.

jusko.

2009-02-04T18:18:00.000+08:00

4 months. hi.

2009-02-01T11:24:00.005+08:00

it's sad to realize that apparently, i belong in this blundering, maladroit world. i am blundering and maladroit. which is probably why you're there and i'm still sooooooo here. i keep thinking you weren't really perfect naman, not by a long shot. you fucked up just as much, in varying degrees i guess. in fact, last night, gusto lang kitang batukan for something (if only my large hands could reach the after life). but we seemed to have a better chance of getting our shit together, you and i. and now that we can't because you know, you're the deadest perzone, i'm suddenly thinking, could we have been just as fucked up as the rest of em? would it be only a matter of time before we end up just like every fucking couple in the world? i dunno. of course there are rare exceptions and i would like to think we could've been that. the exception. haay. ewan ko talaga.

but i'm missing you a lot these last few days. there is no one to talk to about these things. no one to talk to about life, about the general loneliness in the world, of the people around me. and it's sad to have all these thoughts and not have you around to talk about it with on the way home.

is there any chance, any chance at all you can give me a call on my cellphone and have a thirty minute conversation man lang? heeh. ok i know the answer to that one. baka lang kasi makalusot, you'll never know.

i had a very vivid dream last night about stupid things, about people i know, about mundane everyday things. in it you were already dead. in the same way magellan or i dunno, kurt cobain is. i don't know how else to explain it in words. it was a world, a life in which your death is now an everyday thing, a part of history. like saying caye is dead is the same as ampalaya is bitter. basta i can't seem to explain it well.

anyway my point is, i was relieved that my subconscious was capable of thinking that. relieved that i didn't dream of you alive and have to wake up to reminding myself that you are in fact dead. dead as dead can be. which is always unpleasant to say the least.

but i'm also sad and lonely to realize that my subconscious has accepted that fact. and that this world i'm living in now will someday actually be (maybe sooner than i would like it to), a world in which your death is an everyday thing. common knowledge even. in a very detached, almost clinical way. like ampalaya's bitterness nga.

shit can't seem to explain it right.
oh well.

intermission. for the sake of art.

2009-01-30T11:14:00.002+08:00

i've been meaning to write but i've been sort of busy lately. not to mention i've taken my addiction to guitar hero world tour 4 to a different level. it's already beginning to ruin my life, like it needs any more ruining.

anyhoo.

i would like to take a break from talking about my pain to tell you about the most ridiculous thing i've heard this year. it's called the senate bill no. 2464. or the anti obscenity and pornography act of 2008. brought to you by, and this might surprise you because some of you might have actually thought he had a modicum of intelligence, manny villar.

you can read the whole bill as it was filed here. now if you're too tamad to read it, i'll give you the gist. essentially, if you produce, print, show, exhibit, import, sell, advertise, or distribute "obscenity" in all forms of mass media, you can go to prison.

and that includes "all movies, films, television shows, photographs, music, games, paintings, drawings, illustrations, advertisements, writings, literature or narratives, whether produced in the Philippines or abroad."

ok. some of you might say, "hey, it's cool obscenity sucks naman eh. why, i can live without porn! i already spend too much time looking at it and wanking anyway. now i can knit!" well tanga ka. because here is how that bill defines what is obscene.

"Obscene" refers to anything that is indecent or offensive or contrary to good customs or religious beliefs, principles or doctrines, or tends to corrupt or deprave the human mind, or is calculated to excite impure thoughts or arouse prurient interest, or violates the proprieties of language and human behavior, regardless of the motive of the producer, printer, publisher, writer, importer, seller, distributor or exhibitor such as, but not limited to:

(1) showing, depicting or describing sexual acts;
(2) showing, depicting or describing human sexual organs or the
(3) showing, depicting or describing completely nude human
(4) describing erotic reactions, feelings or experiences on sexual female breasts; bodies; acts; or
(5) performing live sexual acts of whatever form.

wow. amazing how inspite of the legal jargon, this bill can NOT hide its stupidity. did any of you even know this was happening? i just found out last night. and the thing is it's really not just the artists that can be prosecuted. art gallery owners, curators, festival organizers, publishers, etc. can all be imprisoned for it.

for some reason, this has already been quietly passed in congress! without any of us hearing about it. i'm sooooooo dumbfounded by this tomfoolery. (i also have always wanted to use the word tomfoolery. so yay for that.)

again, if you have time, read the actual bill. it is, at the very least, an amusing read. or kita kita na lang tayong lahat sa munti.

this is a song for the lonely. can you hear me tonight?

2009-01-21T01:59:00.004+08:00

guys. this is it. the solution to all our heartbreak and sorrow. will dry your tears, will ease the pain. will let time fly like it has never flown before. will make you feel just a tad less alone than you've been feeling these days. at least for a few hours.

ladies and gentlemen. redemption in a box.

that sugarcane rain that tasted good.

2009-01-19T04:21:00.002+08:00

i can't sleep. so excuse me while i blab a little as i wait for the blue pill to kick in.

no. not THAT blue pill.

aaaanyhoo.

so the 17th came and went. in fairness. it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. people keep telling me to keep myself busy as much as i can and it's a little hard, when you're not working 9 to 5. but the past few days, the universe/god has been kind enough to give me enough preoccupation to rescue me from wallowing. and boy was i prepared to wallow.

what i am learning is that life isn't cruel all the time. that for some reason when you think you can't take it anymore and you're just about to throw in the towel, someone, something, throws you a bone. fine it is the most payat bone sometimes, but it is a bone nonetheless.

ok. blue pill kicking in. how fast...

mahahanap din kita (kung may langit nga ba)

2009-01-11T13:01:00.003+08:00

i didn't really know her. i think i met her once at the wrap party for Big Time. but seeing as i have been fixating on other people's tragedies lately, i had gotten myself somewhat emotionally involved. this is what you get with the lethal combination that is unemployment, bereavement and unlimited wi-fi.

it's always different for everyone, but i assume there are (always) striking similarities. what they may have had to go through in a week, i went through in an hour. i don't think it's any easier or harder. it is what it is. but i am sure that there is always the unbearable stillness right after. right before the circus begins. for someone so alive and so present and so here, in our world, in our lives be suddenly gone, reduced to a mass of god knows what covered with a thin blanket, on a hospital bed. and we don't know, will never know where they have gone.

there should be a separate memorial for the love that we felt for the dead and the lives that we used to live with them when they were still alive. sama na rin natin our dreams, our imagined future. i wish there was a way to cremate that. then maybe we can put it in a vase or bury it in a grave somewhere. light a candle. leave some flowers. visit once a week. and for some people like her and caye, what a massive grave that would be. hundreds, maybe even thousands of people with so much love and now suddenly, with nowhere to put it.

i wish the choice on who gets to die first were more practical. statistics. probabilities. numbers. productivity. IQ. kahit popularity contest. then maybe death will be more in the realm of our understanding.

haay. nakakaburat.

it's just another love story, no one is to blame...

2009-01-07T08:42:00.005+08:00

i hate being a sad story. i'm turning out to be THE sad story you tell people. the sad story you talk about when trying to figure out the ironies of life. grabe guys, i know this girl who came home from a trip thinking she's about to plan her wedding and instead plans the funeral of her fiancee, how's that for irony dudes.

and while i believe there is dignity in suffering, and more importantly, surviving, there's something really undignified about being a sad story. another fucking sad story.

you know how we hear of girls who have been thin and pretty all their lives look at an obese person and say, oh my god if i get THAT fat just kill me na lang please? it feels a lot like that. oh my god if that ever happens to me i'm gonna die talaga!

can i just say that the saddest thing about being a sad story is that you don't die. and you don't have a choice in the matter. you don't even choose to be strong or to survive something. you just do. and i would really really REALLY much prefer it if i just croaked and died of heartbreak, but alas, i'm here. living, breathing, buying shoes. i'm fucking surviving and while it's something to be proud of, a part of me is just disgusted that i am still, as of five minutes ago, thinking if i should buy a new shade of colorstay lipcolor. a task so mundane and brainless that it really truly seals the deal of my life being a fucking sad story.

i may as well be cuba being carried stomach up.

don't get me wrong. i appreciate empathy. i really do. and if not for other's empathy and sympathy, god knows how we all could get by. i love, need, and am eternally thankful, for it. i'm just a little too proud sometimes i guess.

(ah, look, i think i've been using oxford commas. but really, who give's a fuck about an oxford comma? ooh. Vampire Weekend reference.)

a few days ago we had dinner with a friend of a friend, who upon finding out about my sad story said, i'm so sorry. you must cry everday. and i said that no, actually i haven't been crying everyday, and that at some point you just physically run out of tears.

well, i may have spoken too soon.

the twilight zone... tinininininininini...ni...ni...

2009-01-05T16:42:00.001+08:00

it's a little creepy when you're reading a book and it's talking about the camera obscura and your itunes suddenly shuffles to a Camera Obscura song.

On Photography

2009-01-04T21:27:00.003+08:00

i keep telling myself that i have been doing this for years and i am good at it. i know i have something to say, or a story to tell. i may not have been doing it as much as i should have but i've never quit. from my first photography class in college, till today. i had fallen in love and it has been a long rollercoaster of a relationship.

but lurking in the back of my mind is my secret fear. that, like a woman with low self esteem (and this i know because i am one myself), what i misconstrue to be love is just something that has shown me kindness, attention, flattery, when i need it. or worse, it's just convenient.

fear.

scatterbrain.

2009-01-04T15:57:00.001+08:00

can it please be february already? or while we're at it, can it please be 2010 na?

hi.

2009-01-02T12:58:00.004+08:00

nothing makes me miss you more than a tv tuned in to wowowee. why i have to endure this godawful abomination on a friday afternoon, i will never understand. i miss doing nothing with you. having quiet meals, eating carefully prepared food in tasteful plates your dad gave us and flatware that i chose.

if you were here i would've been spared of this vile man called willie revillame. and the incessant screaming of whoever he's with holding a microphone. why did you leave me here baby?

If I could do just one near perfect thing I'd be happy..

2008-12-31T10:12:00.002+08:00

it's not yet the time for me to look back, so i'm looking up and looking forward.

i don't think i'll have just one word for 2009. next year, for me and specially for my loved ones, i want more. so much more. travels and plane rides, laughter, art, money, music, movies, new people, good friends, good health, good food (less eating though), good clothes, good shoes, GREAT shoes, strength, healing, purpose, love, peace (oh how we all want love and peace)... i could keep going.

i am thankful. always thankful. i still have hope in my heart and sometimes, for the moment, that is all you need.

i am soooo done with 2008. lordy. ikaw na bahala universe/God.

let's get this show on the road.

three months. (and two days)

2008-12-30T08:44:00.003+08:00

it can't possibly be healthy what i'm doing. i guess it's some form of weird denial that will likely catch up to me one of these days. sometimes i feel it creep up but i really really push it away. with whatever it is i can get my bony hands on. alcohol, cheap jokes, a book, music, cigarettes, anger, whatever. i do not want to be miserable. i can't stay there for a long time. i'm not the type to. i'm a reasonable, look-ahead, cut-my-losses kind of chick.

one day it's gonna punch me in the face and it's gonna be fucking bad. fear.

some people just don't get it.

2008-12-22T11:47:00.001+08:00

the science of sleep.

2008-12-21T07:51:00.001+08:00

i can't i can't i can't sleep i can't i can't i can't i can't sleep i can't i can't i can't i can't sleep i can't i can't i can't...

Too Drunk To Dream (by The Magnetic Fields)

2008-12-20T05:35:00.005+08:00

(this song is brought to you by and dedicated to my ever reliable friend, absolut blue.)

Sober, life is a prison. Shitfaced, it is a blessing
Sober, nobody wants you. Shitfaced, they're all undressing
Oh, sober, it's ever darker. Shitfaced, the moon is nearer
Sober, you're old and ugly. Shitfaced, who needs a mirror?
Sober, you're a Cro-Magnon. Shitfaced, you're very clever
Sober, you never should be. Shitfaced, now and forever

I gotta get too drunk to dream
'Cause dreaming only makes me blue
I gotta get too drunk to dream
Because I only dream of you

I gotta get too pissed to miss you
Or I'll never get to sleep
I gotta drink wine not to pine for you
And God knows that ain't cheap

I know you think I'm insane
I know it's not appealing
But till I'm feeling no pain
Guess what I'll be feeling

I gotta get too drunk to dream
'Cause dreaming only makes me blue
I gotta get too drunk to dream
Because I only dream of you

I gotta get too fried to cry
Or I'll be crying all night long
I gotta get too high to sigh
Oh my God, where did I go wrong?

So why do I get plastered?
And why am I so lonely?
It's you, you heartless bastard
You're my one and only

I gotta get too drunk to dream
'Cause dreaming only makes me blue
I gotta get too drunk to dream
Because I only dream of you

I gotta get too pissed to miss you
Or I'll never get to sleep
I gotta drink wine not to pine for you
And God knows that ain't cheap
And God knows that ain't cheap

i'm missing the snow. among other things.

2008-12-19T03:41:00.001+08:00

(stolen from monster's multiply)

back in manila, the land of sorrows and bibingka.

2008-12-18T04:19:00.004+08:00

truth be told, i think i'm running out of insightful words on grief. i wish i had more flowery, dramatic and astute words to put here, something people i used to work with might refer to as "pangkurot sa puso." but nope. i think i've just ran out.

the trip was a blast. a life saver, as travels usually are. going any place that requires a plane ride is always good for the soul. also, playing the bereavement card as an excuse to mindlessly shop is not so bad. while i come home still with a broken, irreparable heart, i also have 7 pairs of high heeled shoes, 2 bags, 8 books and new luggage to comfort me (ha, let's see how long that lasts). hallelujah outlet shopping! unfortunately, i also come home with 5-8 pounds of fat strategically spread around my body. di ba. how cliche, gaining weight after a trip to the states.

i saw snow for the first time in my life. fresh and otherwise. yes, we had a snowball fight. yes, we made a snowman (ok, more like a snowcat, or a snowcuba). yes, we tried to make snow angels. yes we slid tummy down on the snow. and yes, we tried to catch the snow in our tongues. eh why ba? i'm from the tropics no.

i also experienced below zero weather for the first time. migeads. what is death. i've never felt so painfully cold in my life. as in physical pain in the extremities. smoking was a chore and yet it had to be done. kicker, nilagnat ako pagbalik ko.

i met some interesting people (i miss mario's tita!). walked a lot. ate a lot. sarap. i wish i could do this for a living. now that i'm in limbo, being on the move does not seem like such a bad idea anymore. i'm going to try and save money so i can spend a whole year chasing winter. i never thought winter could be so fucking pretty.

a major highlight for me was watching Vampire Weekend, Franz Ferdinand, Bloc Party, Death Cab for Cutie and The Killers. two consecutive nights of kickass music. although fine, batok lang ni brandon flowers ang nakita ko, but so what! they rocked to high heavens. IBANG KLASE. even monster, who doesn't usually care for music was suddenly googling matt tong the next day, like a proper groupie. i love it.

there was still so much to do with so little time. oh well. the story of our lives, i swear. i'm just thankful to have had those three weeks to breathe in new air. every so often i'd catch myself thinking what the fuck am i doing here? how the hell did i end up in the middle of nowhere oregon (population 850) eating some stranger's turkey and pumpkin pie with monster and mario, or getting lost by myself walking the streets of downtown san francisco? but i have managed to stop myself from overanalyzing that. i am where i am and it's probably where i should be at the moment. the rest will sort itself out later, because i sure fucking can't.

and now i'm back in manila where people are going crazy for christmas. it's hard when you don't really feel like acknowledging it and the world is throwing it in your face. so i am sad again. but i am grateful. very very grateful.

hi again.

2008-12-04T19:49:00.002+08:00

while you're probably in a better place right now, i'd have to say that you're also missing out on a lot of cool things here;
-oregon is so pretty! i would never have thought of coming here if it weren't for your very hassle (the understatement of the decade) death. rural america has been amazingly pleasant. you would've loved the long scenic drive and the super cold weather. i actually have not perspired in the last 9 days.
-as i've blogged earlier, staples rock. ang dami daming office supplies!
-there are apparently, a lot of permutations of reeses. there's reese's whipped, crispy crunchy, caramel, sticks, fastbreak, nutrageous and whoppers. we have tried them all. there may still be others we haven't tried but this trip is not over yet.
-we went to voodoo donuts. the place anthony bourdain visited. maple bacon donuts. yum.
-i saw venus and jupiter. and i thought of you.

ok more to come. sleeping pills are kicking in now.

hi.

2008-11-30T22:41:00.001+08:00

we went to staples today. office supplies heaven. you would've freaked out.

two months

2008-11-29T15:17:00.002+08:00

i have to admit that i don't feel gut wrenching pain constantly. it comes and goes. some days are terrible, some days are okay. these days i'm distracted with new things, like how pretty oregon actually is, how ridiculously cold it gets outside, or how scared i am of fucking up monster's soon-to-be award winning film.

i realize today that grief, when not at its worst, feels like never ending homesickness. i am constantly homesick, no matter where i am, even if technically, i am home, in my room, in my own bed. except that i don't exactly feel like hurrying home because really, there's no home to go back to.

figuratively at least.

i am still thankful for the weather where i am now. the sun was out for a little while today, but it was okay. it wasn't offensively cheerful and imposing as it is in manila. it's still cold and drab outside and most of the trees' (save for the gazillion pine trees) leaves have fallen. so whoopee.

sleepless in portland, which is 3 hours away from seattle. i say it's close enough.

2008-11-26T17:01:00.002+08:00

i am somewhere in portland, oregon, in some kid's every other weekend bed. i am thankful for the drab and dreary weather. freezing and damp. very much like my heart, so ok na rin. (nyaha)
it's been fun and interesting and not always easy. but it's new, so that's good. i guess.
every house here has a tree with no leaves. and i think for now i'm in dsj country.

tomorrow, coquille, here i come.

I just remembered.

2008-11-23T12:35:00.001+08:00

we used to like forming corporate logos with our bodies when we had nothing to do.

Syntax Error

2008-11-20T19:45:00.003+08:00

"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness.' " from Shall We Dance

first off, excuse me for having to quote lines from a terrible movie. ok. now let's all put it behind us and move on...

his sister gave me a copy of one of our ym chats that he cut and paste to a word file. god knows why he kept that. i vaguely remember when that took place. we weren't going out yet and the thought of us hooking up was nowhere near our minds. in fact, we were still talking about our exes. but whatever his reasons were, god bless his heart, because i now have something to read over and over again.

i made him read that quote. i was trying to explain to him why i blog. why i insist on doing it even if i write about mundane things, even if i get judged, or even if noone's reading it. it's a piece of me, out here in the cyberworld. i exist. yes, it's a nerdy and quite frankly, a very loser way of making your mark in the world. but i feel it now more than ever. now that the person who was supposed to be my witness has gone and left me.

i was never the type who dreamed of getting married. i never felt the need to. in fact the thought scared me shitless. there's an infinite number of ways we can all fuck it up. but i know people who at a very young age felt sure that what they wanted in life was to do that. to raise a family, grow old, have grandchildren. and all that jazz. and i totally respect that.

ok i think i've lost my point.

ok lang yan. i'm bereaved eh.

anyhoo.

now, it's not at all that i'm not going to get married that makes me so profoundly sad. but that i'm not going to get married to him. because of all the things that i am unsure of in the world, the only thing i was sure of was that i wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. and i don't think i'll ever be that sure of anything again. ever.

my god all this grief is fucking up my syntax!

cheelds. (thoughts after reading monst's entry)

2008-11-18T02:06:00.002+08:00

how wonderful to be a kid again. kanina i went to my parents' room and saw pia eating lunch by herself, watching playhouse disney, in a pirate's hat. ang saya nya eh.

hi.

2008-11-16T23:36:00.003+08:00

there's always a moment everytime i'm in sanlo, when i just stop and think, what the hell am i doing here. i'm here and you're not. everything's familiar. the house seems normal. the christmas tree is up. the silver disco balls are in the garden. we are laughing and drinking and talking as if you're about to show up any second. like you just went to the bathroom.

the house even smells the same.

i am so tired of looking for you.

what the fuck does a bereaved woman need to do to move on around here?!!

2008-11-14T10:08:00.004+08:00

i know it's illogical, irrational and unreasonable. but i'm mightily pissed.

after chatting with cd last night, i was all gung ho and excited to go to my first yoga class in months. figured it would be good to get the blood flowing, get some focus. i've been scared to go because caye and i used to love yoga and would go regularly before. i don't really want to freak out or breakdown during the meditation part in the end. but i figured fuck it, i need it. i need it bad. so i slept early last night, i woke up early and ate a light breakfast two hours before class. called pulse, they said they have a slot available, come at 10.

first of all waking up early and going out of the house before 12 is a feat in itself these past few weeks. mornings are always difficult and it always reminds me of him. plus, this morning i dreamt of him again, alive. which really doesn't make things any easier. but never mind that. i told myself i'm going to yoga. i'm going to get over my fucked up self and go to yoga.

then my car wouldn't start. but that's fine because i can take a cab. and my dad lent me his car. i refused to let that throw me off. and then there was no parking. i went around 4 times before i finally found parking. and finally i get there feeling all proud of myself and they tell me oops, the teacher had an emergency and can't come today. you wanna try hot yoga or pilates? MIGEADS. i was so angry talaga. and on the way home there was so much traffic and so many stupid pedestrians. i could've run over those people talaga if i weren't doing breathing exercises in the car.

i know it's so stupid and nothing, but naman. i'm hanging by a thread here! cheeze!!! us!!! cries!!!

aargh!

2008-11-14T07:32:00.000+08:00

sometimes dreams suck.

my quintessential caye playlist

2008-11-12T15:11:00.003+08:00

1. Time After Time - Tuck and Patti

i know. cliche. but this reminds me of the time we took his white station wagon to the beach. him, pop, jeremy and me. we had an empty cooler, lots of ice, 1 can of sardines and calamansi. everything was closed when we got there so we had no food till the next day. we also only had 1 cassette tape and it was the best of tuck and patti.

2. Prom - Sugarfree

this will always remind me of our reckless early days. everything seemed new and ours for the taking. including red meat. hehe.

3. Galileo - Indigo Girls

i think this is his all time favorite song. very him actually.

4. Brand New Colony - The Postal Service

we LOVED the whole album. but he just wouldn't stop playing it up until early this year. i was so fucking sick of it already.

5. Good Goodnight - Aqualung

i always have a hard time falling asleep and i told him listening to aqualung before going to bed helps, so he'd play it for me at night when i want to sleep before him.

6. The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice

he was blown away by the movie Closer (baka nakarelate haha). i used to think maybe damien rice wrote this song about him. that barely audible whisper in the end is a killer.

7. God Only Knows - The Beach Boys

one of the greatest love songs. ever.

8. I Will - The Beatles

i think there was a romantic comedy in the mid 90s that used this song in the soundtrack. the title escapes me now. i'm sure it sucked anyway. but this reminds me so much of when we started hanging out a lot. i was 17 then i think. lordy.

9. I Love You Always Forever - Donna Lewis

hah. ok. let me explain. this piece of unabashedly cheesy mid 90s pop makes the list because it reminds me of the first time i met his brother. he was nuts for this song at that time and we used to play it in the car a lot i think.

10. Alone Again, Naturally - Gilbert Sullivan

this is my song. enough said.

11. Grace Kelly - Mika

he loved Mika, Amy Winehouse and Lily Allen. again, he wouldn't stop playing it even if it was already being used in godawful noontime shows.

12. Life On Mars - Seu Jorge

ok this one's for me.

13. Kahit Maputi Na Ang Buhok Ko - Sharon Cuneta

he was a huge sharon cuneta fan. one night we decided to stay in and play his ipod for a change. we ended up listening and singing to sharon, gary v. and basil valdes (this is from my ipod i'd have to admit) all night.

14. Secretly - Skunk Anansie

i played this song over and over on our way to baguio.

15. If You Really Love Me - Stevie Wonder

again going to baguio, he'd been driving all night and the sun was coming up and he was feeling sleepy so i played this song and sang along to wake him up.

16. You And Me Song - Wannadies

"you tell me i'm a real man, and try to look impressed. not very convincing. but you know i love it..." it was my secret song for him.

17. Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard, Marketa Irglova

we watched Once before leaving for Canada and he absolutely loved it.

18. Waltz #1 - Elliot Smith

only when i'm feeling bitter.

19. Free In You - Indigo Girls

it's his song daw for me sabi nya.

20. Creep - Radiohead

you're so fucking special. hay.

last night i dreamt that somebody loved me. no hope, no harm, just another false alarm.

2008-11-08T12:11:00.005+08:00

last night i dreamt that caye was alive and that we were having some scheduling issues with the wedding. and for a split second when i woke up, my first thought was, it's ok we'll manage, he would understand. and then i remembered that shit, he's dead.

i was always scared of this happening. it has happened to me in the past. i fall asleep and and in my dreams think that everything's ok and normal. then i wake up, realize that everything's just as shitty as it was the night before. i'd freak out all over again like it's all new. to avoid this after caye died, right before i close my eyes to sleep i'd tell myself over and over again, he's dead he's dead he's dead. i guess i haven't been doing that lately. or now that my body has recovered a little, my mind, with all these stored memories of him, is just itching to assert itself. sucks. big time.

but at least i didn't freak out. not yet at least (maybe later). just got a big slap in the face from my new best friend, loneliness. i think i'm getting used to that though. it's starting to be part of my daily routine. like brushing your teeth. you do it, you finish (at least for the moment), you go about your day.

haaay....

40th day

2008-11-06T11:38:00.001+08:00

today is caye's 40th day. please pray for him. :)

and these days. i wish i was six again. oh make me a red cape. i wanna be superman...

2008-11-05T01:45:00.006+08:00

for the most part, his demeanor was that of a 12 year old kid. but there was something so adorably grown-up with how he moved in the mornings. i loved watching him get ready for work. he'd wear the clothes he'd already picked out the night before which would, of course, be hanging neatly on one of the closet doors. i liked watching him put on his tie. sometimes he'd ask me which tie looks better with the shirt he's wearing. like i would know. he was really the only person i ever lived with who wears a tie to work. my dad included. his pants annoyed me though. they were all too big already. also, some of them were pleated. in a very 90's way.

i liked watching him wear his watch and pick out which cuff links to use. it was such an adult thing to do. cuff links. old school. how many people do we hang out with nowadays wear cuff links. anyhoo, it was oddly reassuring.

he was almost always late for work every morning. and what i loved to do most of all was delay him some more by asking him for a hug just when he's about to open the door.

i also liked the way he curled his arm and wrist when he's writing. which i suppose is what most left handed people do. but i remember his left forearm really well. i wear his watch everyday now and i took all of his cufflinks with me.

who would've thought i'd be so fucking mellodramatic?

WARNING: illogical ramblings of the bereaved.

2008-11-03T11:56:00.003+08:00

anger crept up on me saturday night while watching a stupid movie. i did not expect it. and i did not expect how strong it would be, that i spent almost all day of sunday seething, and bawling, alternately. it was a different kind of anger. not the kind that makes all the blood rush to your head. it didn't make my cheeks warm and red. it pretty much stayed in my chest. pounding. there was no other way to deal with it than to wail. and i had to press my face into a pillow to muffle the sound.

logically, grief is so unproductive. in essence, i am pining for a dead guy. i am constantly thinking of and talking to someone who cannot hear nor answer me. and even if he is out there somewhere, he is probably happy and ecstatic and content where he is, he probably doesn't give a shit anymore. fine. he probably does a little. but i'm imagining it would be in the aww-pity-naman-these-misguided-earthlings-that-are-not-part-of-this-collective-wisdom sense.

the dude led a charmed life. of course he deserved it. he was after all, the best. but i would be lying if i didn't say i envy him. so much, my chest tightens when i think about it. i loved him just as much as he loved me, and i gave him just as much. modesty aside, and i think i'm even partly quoting him here, but i made him so fucking happy. and yet here i am, greiving. the dude got away with it again. he must've charmed and smiled his way out of here.

this morning i talked to god. i wanted to ask him to take all the pain away now. but i thought hey, the guy deserves this pain. sucks that i'd have to be the one feeling it in his honor, but what can we do. and so i didn't and just said lord/universe/higher power/whoever's listening, bahala ka na.

Heng on a zekanth.

2008-11-01T02:59:00.002+08:00

don't think that just because i laughed so hard today that everything's all fine and dandy. i am the same the day you left, today, and in all likelihood, tomorrow.

bleagh.

2008-10-30T17:51:00.002+08:00

there's an itchy feeling at the pit of my stomach like i'm waiting for someone or something that won't be coming anyway.

1 month

2008-10-28T09:35:00.003+08:00

i had the stupidest dream last night and it had absolutely nothing to do with you. it bugs the hell out of me.

i finally joined facebook. It took up a whole day and a half of my time. yay.

we tried to stalk bourdain in the lobby of sofitel. Nada.

i talked to salito and he says in the jewish faith, you can only mourn for a year. anything over that is considered a sin. i can't even look that far ahead yet.

your friends have been playing poker using your stuff. isn't that sweet?

i bought the hd-1. you would've loved to play with it. i had imagined it in a different place, in a different room. but what can you do. on the plus side, i'm beginning to think at the end of all this, music will be my salvation.

our friends are taking care of me. every night.

people i barely know are taking care of me in their own way. it's amazing.

pia had her teeth fixed and it looks so nice now.

pops and i ate crabs and shrimps with our hands in front of your dad. i never imagined i'd ever lick and suck my fingers in front of him.

people are giving me black clothes because i can't go back to the mall till after the holidays.

speaking of the holidays, how the fuck am i gonna get through that.

you think i should join oi and mons to the states in november? i'm seriously considering it. i'm just scared to see the familiar wide roads of north america and be constantly thinking you should be here, why aren't you here, blah blah blah.

and you baby. how are you doing?

I wonder if the dead read blogs.

2008-10-25T08:26:00.003+08:00

his cousin, sister, popie and now bebsy have all dreamed of him saying goodbye already. i'm so envious. although honestly, my feelings about him visiting me in my dreams are mixed. i miss him so much my chest wants to burst. seeing him and then having to lose him again may be too damn painful. i don't know. maybe he will visit me when i'm ready. and i'm just too preoccupied with the loss that i'm not receptive to these kinds of experiences.

i've noticed a little rise on my blog traffic so i added a stat counter. if you're reading my blog, thank you. in all likelihood you have googled caye. and though i feel exposed that i may not know who you are, i'm happy that you remember him and miss him enough to google him and read a stupid blog. post a comment. say hi. pray for me. even if i don't know you. it helps to feel i'm not alone, and a part of you has not completely moved on and still want to cling to his memory. if you see me walking around the city and you feel like saying hi or telling me a caye story, please do. i can't promise i won't cry, but i would really appreciate it. i also can't promise that i'll remember your name because lordy i'm so bad with names it's not funny. but it's cool. just remind me and don't take offense.

also, pardon all the expletives in this blog. i am foul mouthed. that is that.

I have always relied on the kindness of strangers.

2008-10-24T10:06:00.001+08:00

found this entry on a young widow's blog. so insightful.

Yoohoo?!!!

2008-10-24T08:56:00.003+08:00

i wonder where you are now and if you still remember me. these days i begin to doubt if i will ever see you again. what if in the afterlife you actually learned that we weren't really meant to be together. scary. there's a big chance that you don't miss me anymore. i 'm thinking it's so nice and peaceful where you are, you've completely realized how small i am in relation to the bigger picture. because what is 12 years of friendship and almost 2 years of dating compared to eternity. parang i'm just a minor detail in a tiny chapter of your life.

i on the other hand have nothing but this. and the humungous void you've left behind.

last night i dreamt that you or your spirit hung out with some people and the people you were with called me and you said that you'll see me in 22, maybe 23 years. i don't know if that's it. is that my sign? is that what i'd been asking for. the dream felt random and unemotional. i'm not even sure if it was you i was talking to.

i keep googling you. reading your blog. checking your friendster. i cling to your family sometimes. where are you na kaya?

oh well.

2008-10-23T12:26:00.002+08:00

i need to warn whoever's reading my blog (all 3 of you, well maybe 2, now that he's gone) that you probably won't read anything happy or funny anytime soon. bear with me. or not. up to you.

Thoughts after watching the stupidest movie ever, Mannequin.

2008-10-20T16:08:00.002+08:00

What I would've really wanted to see, was the relief on your face right after the wedding mass.

Two Weeks.

2008-10-16T13:03:00.002+08:00

it's amazing how slow time moves for me nowadays. sometimes it feels like a cruel joke. but then again cruel is a word i think of every single day now. i keep testing how many things i can do or think of in an hour and wow. slowness. a song feels like an hour. a tv show feels like a whole day. ets asked me one time, "how's that dsj? time will never fly again?"

never. yet another word i think of constantly. so final. so cruel.

Eulogy

2008-10-06T10:41:00.003+08:00

Caye and I started hanging out in 1994. Him, Popie and I almost instantly became best friends, or as someone would later refer to as, a triumvirate. I think we bonded over the weirdest thing, some badly written new age book called The Celestine Prophesy. We were, for a time, extremely obsessed with "stealing a person's energy," "Insights," "Co dependency," etc etc. It's embarassing now, I know, but hey, I was 17 years old. That was my excuse. He was 23 then, so God knows what his excuse was.

He was there for me whenever I needed him. He saw me through 3 or 4 breakups, an awkward goth meets retro meets grunge meets ethnic phase, an obsession with grungy beads and bracelets, and my shaving my head bald twice.

I would refer to him as my shrink. He always had a way of putting things into perspective. I will explain something to him for a good 30 minutes and he'd sum it all up in one sentence. At the end of every conversation, I'd always end up saying "Ahhh. O nga no." He was also very kaladkarin. One call and he'll be outside my door soon enough so we could go out and have a drink or whatever.

We always kept in touch one way or another. We were in and out of each other's lives often but we knew that we were still the best of friends, whatever happens.

A couple of years ago, I'd just got out of a difficult relationship and of course, Caye was there for me again. We spent an inordinate amount of time together. We both did not want to admit to it, but we were slowly falling for each other. It wasn't easy. The timing was a little off, and up until that point, we saw each other as siblings, and hooking up was just, well, plain incestuous. But there came a point when our feelings was already undeniable. The day we finally admitted to ourselves and to each other how we really felt was the best and most liberating decision we had ever made in our lives. Since then, we became inseperable. I think that we have never spent more than 24 hours apart in the past year. To say that we were happy is an understatement.

Caye was the perfect partner to me. We were like yin and yang. He was the ultimate dreamer, I was the skeptic. He was trusting, I was suspicious. He was fearless, I was paranoid. I could go on and on about how different we were. But together, we seemed to find balance. We could argue and discuss anything for hours till we convince ourselves that both of us were right somehow.

And that is so very Caye. He loves to discuss things and obsess even about the most mundane decisions. I remember one time going to True Value with him to buy masking tape. We spent thirty minutes in the store because he kept obsessing about which tape was the best to buy. This one is thick but the other one comes with a dispenser. And the thinner one comes in packs of two, but why on earth would we need two. He stood there holding the two different brands of masking tape on each hand lifting them up and down. FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES.

Those close to Caye know that he's the kind of person who wears his heart on his sleeve. This was something new to me because I was often uncomfortable with emotional situations. I just avoid them altogether. But Caye was shamelessly expressive of what he felt. He'd often say to me, "Baby I love you and I appreciate you!" Much to the dismay of those who'd overhear it. There were times our friends would tell him, "Ano ba dude, hold back naman a little o." But he never did. Everyday he'd be just as sweet and showy and loving until I was not uncomfortable anymore. Our friends however, were still not used to it, so sometimes I'd whisper to him, "Babe you lower your voice na lang when you say that." He noticed everything, even the littlest stupidest thing I'd do for him. He treated me like a princess, and for that, I am forever grateful. I have never and will probably never meet anyone who has as much love to give than Caye.

He is more than just the love of my life or my one great love. He WAS my life. And when he died, the person I used to be, died with him too. Life will never be the same again after him. As cliche as it may sound, if my life was a colored photograph with him, it became a badly printed, grey, black and white photo without him. To quote his brother Marco, once you've gone katigbak, you can never go back.

The other day I went to his flat to pick up some things, and it broke my heart to see his shoes on the floor as if he just took them off two minutes ago. Suddenly, otherwise ordinary things became ridiculous and hurtful, like the humungous bottle of multivitamins he and i bought the day he died. Good for six months, he said. Or a cigarette butt he ditched, still on the ashtray.

I miss him terribly. I miss his fat fingers, his flat feet and i miss patting his "slightly" protruding tummy. He gave the best hugs. I miss his loud laughter and his smile. I miss traveling with him. We had already planned a lifetime of traveling for the both of us. I miss seeing him half running, half wobbling to hug and kiss me. And most of all I miss just talking to him. We could talk about anything for hours.

Sometimes I regret that it took us 10 years to figure out that we belonged together. We could've had a little more time. But as Caye would say, we needed to go through our past relationships to make us better for each other.

That night before I went to bed, he said he would take care of me forever and that he would make me the happiest woman in the world. He said he would never leave or hurt me. He thanked me for making him so happy.

Caye, if you can still hear me, I want you to know that you made me so happy. I wish I did a better job of taking care of you. And I keep wishing I stayed up with you all night, then maybe you'd still be with us today. I appreciate you.

Eh?

2008-09-10T12:03:00.006+08:00

Cheap na kung cheap. Mababaw na kung mababaw. Makitid na ang utak kung makitid. But what can I do? I love Pinas. It will always be home to me.

My name is DSJ and it's been 12 days since I last saw Manila.

Ok. I know what you're thinking. What a baby. Wuss. Weakler. Cheapler. Cheeelds. Mature.

Eh bakit ba. Ganun ako eh.

Don't get me wrong. Canada has its moments. But the other day I was in a ferry full of happy and drunk people and I felt like such a stranger in a strange land. They don't laugh about the same things we laugh at. And more importantly the laughter doesn't sound the same.

And in a city full of immigrants, I seem to find myself constantly defending my country (more often than not, in silence). People seem to think that we still live in the boondocks. No harm intended there I know, just your basic misinformation.

Also, the food here, SOH OILY.

Ok. Tomorrow, I write about happy stuff.

Half A Bottle Of Whiskey And A Whole Night Of Tossing And Turning Later...

2008-08-02T11:04:00.002+08:00

Today I woke up wanting to listen to Weezer singing,

The world has turned and left me here, Just where I was before you appeared. And in your place an empty space, Has filled the void behind my face...

Anubayun. Nostalgia.

Anyway, serendipitously, itunes shuffled to the next song which seemed to be so perfect for the moment ano.

Once upon a time there was an ocean
But now it's a mountain range
Something unstoppable set into motion
Nothing is different, but everything's changed

It's a dead end job, and you gets tired of sittin'
And it's like a nicotine habit you're always thinking about quittin'
I think about quittin' every day of the week
When I look out my window it's brown and it's bleak

Outta here
How am I gonna get outta here?
I'm thinking outta here
When am I gonna get outta here?
And when will I cash in my lottery ticket
And bury my past with my burdens and strife?
I want to shake every limb in the garden of Eden
And make every lover the love of my life

I figure that once upon a time I was an ocean
But now I'm a mountain range
Something unstoppable set into motion
Nothing is different, but everything's changed

Found a room in the heart of the city, down by the bridge
Hot plate and TV and beer in the fridge
But I'm easy, I'm open, that's my gift
I can flow with the traffic, I can drift with the drift
Home again?
Naw, never going home again
Think about home again?
I never think about home

But then comes a letter from home
The handwriting's fragile and strange
Something unstoppable set into motion
Nothing is different, but everything's changed

The light through the stained glass was cobalt and red
And the frayed cuffs and collars were mended by haloes of golden thread
The choir sang, "Once Upon A Time There Was An Ocean"
And all the old hymns and family names came fluttering down as leaves of emotion

Sapul.

good night and good luck.

2008-07-04T14:28:00.002+08:00

just submitted my resignation letter. i've been procrastinating on giving it for weeks now.

malungkot din pala magresign.

Eto ang briefing!

2008-06-24T16:08:00.001+08:00

"Ang husga ni ___ e masyado na daw OA yung 'ching-ching-ching' and yung 'shwriiing'. Dapat daw yung 'dong-dong-dong' na lang para mas subtle. Pero agahan mo na lang daw ang pagpasok. Thanks!"

-text message ng isang creative sa isang arranger

YOU WILL BE MINE IN THREE WEEKS.

2008-06-17T10:36:00.001+08:00

(or ten pounds from now... hehe)

marvin.

2008-06-06T14:34:00.002+08:00

i miss marvin so fucking much. :(

Huwhoah.

2008-05-06T03:25:00.002+08:00

I can't sleep. It's 3h30am, I'm sick, and I desperately need to sleep. 5 minutes ago I caught myself in my bath robe crouched in front of the fridge with a spoon in my right hand, shovelling spoonfuls of cold arroz caldo straight to my mouth, one after the other. Maggie (my morbidly obese dog) who's been on a strict diet the past two weeks, would lick the collateral damage droplets of food that would fall on the floor.

It was not a pretty sight to say the least.

So while all that was happening, the smarter but apparently least assertive part of me had already taken a step back and looked at me while all this is happening. First a huwhoah. and then a major tsk, tsk, tsk. Which I seem to hear a lot from me lately.

And it's not just the eating. It's everything. The procrastinating. The refusing to do anything, no matter how easy and stupid. Like throwing away used tissue papers I've stuffed in my bag. Hanging my towel in the right place. Or combing my hair. Depositing checks. Issuing checks.

I think that I am wilting.

Or the world is wilting.

One of those. I'm not sure which.

There are days I'm filled with hope and strength and will, and all the other stuff self-help crap are made of. And there are days I look around and I am filled with fear and dread. Or I get a whiff of imminent failure. Or mourning.

I think I'm also running out of words.

God. Pa deep.

Pagtitimpi

2008-04-11T16:06:00.002+08:00

There's a producer who likes to go around telling people that they're fat, or old or ugly. She saw me today, stared for a good minute as if trying to stop herself from saying something na obviously hindi naman. I gave up waiting for her to speak so I just shook my head and walked away and then she said, "Corinne, magyoga tayo." I had to stop myself from saying, "Sige pagkatapos nating magpaderma."

Since I'll be out of here by the end of July, the next time she does that to me, I promise to be as cruel as I've been wanting to be. And I can be so damn cruel I scare myself sometimes.

This is my rule kasi. Unattractive people have no right whatsoever to say anything about another's physical appearance.

Doldrums.

2008-03-28T16:57:00.000+08:00

Day after day, day after day,
We stuck, nor breath nor motion;
As idle as a painted ship
Upon a painted ocean.

from The Rime of The Ancient Mariner

mobocracy. learnings from that now infamous blog. part 1.

2008-03-24T15:06:00.005+08:00

1. people don't have to physically band together to form a mob. ayan, we have now proven that there is such a thing as a cybermob. amazing!

2. marami pa talagang tangang pinoy (of course noone's really screaming Eureka here ano). but you'd think that since there is some skill and thought process required to turn on a computer, log on to a blogsite and click several links to post a comment, people would actually be a little smarter online. di ba, at the very least kaya nating magbasa. BUTH NO. ok let me rephrase that. item # 2 should read as;

marami palang tangang pinoy na may internet access.

ayan. that sounds better.

3. ACCOUNTABILITY101 should be a required subject in high school. i just want to say, that just because i was born with bad teeth doesn't give me the right to hate everyone who has good teeth, and more importantly, does not give me the right to rally around demanding apologies from people with decent teeth, or people who's had braces in the past and now have perfect teeth.

kung di mo kayang magpabrace, eh di make peace with your bad teeth. wala rin namang masama don.

ang labo at ang tanga ng teeth analogy. pero yun yon. you get what im saying.

4. gawin na rin nating elective ang DONTBESOSENSITIVENAMAN101.

5. coming from a pessimist, sobra na rin ang negativity ng world!

6. rich people have feelings too. just like models. di ba leoy? heheh.

6. i'm a chasmus buster. and old news na rin yan.

Guilty pleasure (in the anthropological sense).

2008-03-17T18:42:00.003+08:00

If any of you have been reading this blog, you might wanna read this blog entry too.

hee hee.